Keeping my head above...or not really?

It seemed like my hed was above water most of the time for the past few days. Although when it comes down to it, I realise that I was mearly coping, just barely getting enough oxygen and pretty much faking my way through every action, every task at work and in most conversations. When I talk with those who know what's going on with me I am either on the verge of tears and holding them back or full on crying.

I am visiting some of my family next week, this is with mixed feelings. On one hand I really want to spend time with one of them, but on the other I'm not sure if I have the emotional capacity to be around the other family members. If this week is any indication of what those days are going to be like, I am going to be hurting a lot in the coming days. I won't be home and I won't be near my support people, except for one and she is part of the stress. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle this. Being there and thinking of being there brings up so much pain and sorrow.

I think that I'm worring myself more then my close friends, probably because they don't know everything. I tend to worry about anything, so chances are it's nothing. Here's a list of some of my fears...

• water (and being on ferries, boats, etc -see post #1)
• people dying on me (especially my dad and close friends)
• hurting myself
• some younger family members
• heights
• dark
• being too alone
• overwhelming exclusion
• dying

I have learned that not everything in life is rational. So I can't explain exactly why I have these fears and why I act the way I do, even if they are things that I want to eventually change. Feelings and emotions aren't always logical (if ever). I know that my life experience thus far has shaped much of how I preceive things, including my fears. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with these.

Life just seems too hard right now.