I've been having a rough time lately, so my sabbath time has been spent trying to improve the way I'm feeling through prayer and spending time with friends to bring my spirits up. I'm feeling really discouraged about the church. So this email is me being upset, venting and questioning. (And as I think about, I realise that I haven't had the energy to read over the outcomes document that Amy sent, sorry about that.)

I've put so much time, energy and commitment into my ministry lately and haven't been supported by my colleagues in my congregation. The latest is that over the past 3 weeks I've worked over 150 hours for the church at the congregational, presbytieral and conference levels for youth retreats, BC Conference meeting and attending an Appreciative Way/Appreciative Inquiry wokshop as suggested by my colleagues we do as a team. I was feeling really tired and run down, however optimistic until I recieved an email from a colleague giving me feedback for not finding a Sunday School teacher for the youth class this past Sunday. I had contacted the SS coordinator and told her I hadn't found anyone, plus i put an announcement in the bulletin last week inviting all of the youth, in fact the whole congregation to attend the Celebration of Ministry service on the Sunday of conference (since it was ha ppening 10 minutes away from our church), I needed to be there because I had been a leader for Children @ Conference (ages 8-12) which is an age group that I've worked with this year.

I'm feeling done with it all. I've been discerning for a couple of months now whether or not I'll continue on in this congregation, in fact whether or not I'll continue on with the church. I'm tired of planning programs in my congregation and either no one comes or 2 or 3 come. I'm frustrated with having a different vision of youth ministry in a congregation than that of the other ministers on my team. I'm angry that people in my congregation would rather point out my irresponsibility for not finding a substitute teacher instead of responding to me when I said that I needed someone to teach the youth class and that I was having trouble finding someone.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to decide if I'll stay on in this congregation. And if I'll tough it out as a youth minister.

On another note, a grade 12 student in Abbotsford, BC was stabbed and killed on Saturday this past weekend. This youth was a participant in a program that I supervise for Abbotsford Community Services focusing on youth gang prevention. The youth worker had been a constant presence in his life over the past 3 years as a basketball coach, youth worker and mentor. His parents knew the youth worker as well, because of his influence on their son. The youth's past caught up with him, he had gone down a bad road for a while but had turned around for some time. Obviously those who had disagreements with him in the past wanted to bring them up again, and in the wee hours of Saturday morning threatened him and his family, and in the end stabbed him on the front lawn of his house. I'm upset about this, and I'm supporting my staff member who is greiving along side a family who in their denial suggested that he wake up their son, as he had done in the p ast when he didn't show up for a game.

In general, I'm feeling discouraged about youth work all around. I know logically that when bad incidents happen like a stabbing, that it can be used for good to take a stand against violence. At this point I just see it as a youth who we tried to help and it didn't matter in the end.

Stupid Fucking Everything

I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I don't belong.
I'm excluded.
I'm not invited.
I'm not welcome.
I'm not worthy.
I'm not liked.
I'm misunderstood.
I hate everything.

Sink further or Run Away?

Everything with work is a challenge right now.
I just want to give up.

Part of me really wants to run away.
Run away from conflict.
Run away from confrontation.

I'm discouraged and right now I don't see any good coming of it.
Fuck it.

No Control in Sinking

This was not the easiest week. Just when I thought things would start to look up, I'd be brought lower than I was before. Little things won't go away, I try to let go of them but they just keep building up.

It's mostly stupid fuckin' people at work. I feel like I can't do anything right and that's being proven by the actions that others need to take to fix what I've done wrong. And it's happening in both workplaces. So at different times through out the week I've considered that I'm not good enough to be in these positions and that I should really give up. That I'm not actually well suited for any of the work that I'm trying to do. And that it really is me, that is the problem, I can't work with people in teams anymore. Everywhere I try, I run into conflict.

I know this has to do with control. I get that. What I don't get is why it is such a big fuckin' deal to me. Or why do I always get stuck in these environments? Or why I can't have control over my reactions?

It's way to draining to deal with. On Tuesday, I stayed in my pyjamas, didn't leave home, slept on and off through out the day, and ate when a friend reminded me on msn. I had the day off as a snow day but I wasn't going to make it to work that day anyways, there was no way I was going to be able to get out of bed and be functional. This is all with an increase in zoloft.

I know I should find ways to cope, good ways that is. I've tried resting. I've tried praying. As hard as I pray though, I still can't give it all over to God. I can say the prayer, but it doesn't go away...and that just makes me feel even less worthy. Like I can't even pray right, I can pray for others no problem, and I know that those prayers feel right, for myself that's another story.

I'm just so fuckin' frustrated.

No Control.

I hate not having control. It always comes back to that.

Today was one of the worst days in a long time. I actually got so stressed out at work while I was rewriting an rfp at work that I started to cry...not just because it was a hell of a lot of work but because I didn't have faith that it was going to make any fucking difference. I mean sure we'll probably get the funding but the project won't make a difference. People don't actually give a shit about each other, making kids do a workshop isn't going to get them to change their minds or their behaviours.

I also can't stand the fact that my coworker is refusing to take time off work when her doctor told her to and wrote her a note. She keeps emailing and calling the office to have someone take her her work laptop and files. It pissses me off. I don't like the fact that she's sick. But at the same time I hate the fact that she's not doing what she's been told to do.

What it all comes down to is I have no control. There are too many things that affect my life that I can't control. Which has been throwing my mind and body back into the past when I had no control because of death and loss. That shit on top of working over 50 hours in 6 days has made me exhausted and depressed. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed in the morning for the past 2 weeks when my alarm went off. I haven't been able to see the point of getting up. And then eventually I've been forcing myself out of bed and getting to work however late. No wonder I have scratches on me again. No wonder I'm forcing myself to eat when I see others eat at work (because it makes me realise I haven't eaten on my own at home).

Even though I've realised why I've been feeling this way, I still feel like shit. I haven't regained control. I'm still upset about the past. I can't change that. I hate this because it seems hopeless.

Coping after the summer

It's been awhile since my last post. I think for some time I just wanted to pretend that I wasn't sinking anymore and that I was safe on shore. That's not really the case.

Over the summer I was called by God to leave home and work somewhere else. This was a great opportunity and I'm glad I did it. I was challenged to work on many things. One goal was to focus on eating healthy and to treat myself better when it comes to eating. It was harder than I initially thought it would be. I assumed that I would have to eat lunch in the dinning room with everyone else on staff and that my house mate would notice if I didn't eat properly during the rest of the day. As it turns out he is oblivious to everything. Even just by eating only lunch and sometimes other food during the day I still gained weight...way too much weight.

Not to mention that my housemate was high strung and acted out when faced with conflict with me. I was completely freaked out when he threw his guitar and hit his head against the wall in my bedroom all because I didn't agree with what he was suggesting about a work situation. As we talked through the conflict after that point I started to zone out, getting complacent with most of what he was saying, trying not to cry, afraid to kick him out of my room, afraid to move, and I was scratching my back without knowing it. After he left my room I realised that my back hurt. The scar is still there and this was in July.

From that point on in the summer I faced conflict with a different face. I avoided it. I didn't give input unless I was specifically asked. I esentially gave up on trying to make things go the way I thought they should -even if I was right. This frustrated my supervisor more than it did me because it meant that she couldn't depend on me to be a filter of bad decisions made by team members (one of which who happened to be my housemate).

I took out my stress on my food and sleep. Taking control over what I could. There were some moments when I really didn't have control over what I ate or what I did after eating my meals. That's the way it is in community living. People know what and when you are supposed to do things. Especially when work and life include all of the same surroundings and people, there is no hiding. People are always able to find you and they know what your schedule is minute to minute every day.

I feel like I was on a 10 week binge. And now I'm confused. I don't want to remain the weight that I came home as, however I know that my doctor will be happy with the weight that I am right now but which is more important my happiness or my doctor's?

stressful weekend

This weekend has been so busy, which has meant it has also been insanely stressful. Looking back on the past 4 days, I've had problems eating and sleeping. Bizzare dreams, not getting enough rest, working like 12 hours each day on thursday, friday and saturday, kind of eating...

It was just a crappy weekend. It was good in some ways for programs that went well but it also just totally sucked. Typical stupid fucking people at work...

and now it's the start of another week...

God better be with me.