failure

I'm a failure. I honestly believe that there isn't anything that I can do well and everything that I have done has been shit. why the fuck did they even hire me in the first place at that church? I obviously haven't been able to do what they want me to do and don't think that I can do what they want done (not that they even know what that is). they've slapt me in the face. They reduced my hours from being half time to being one third time (20 down to 13 hours a week) and only 10 months of the year (sept to june). So at the end of my current contract I won't be working for 2 months at the church if I continue my position in sept.

At the same time what's the point of me trying to do anything? It's not like all of a sudden I'm going to be getting a bunch of youth out for programs regardless of how much time I put into planning a program and if it's what they've requested. I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can go on with this any more.

Why did God have me serve the church in this way? I wasted my time on serving God and God's church. And look where it got me, feeling totally depressed, hating myself, and a church that has wasted it's money. I can't do it anymore. I don't offer as many programs because the youth and children just don't show up for them. Half the time when I do offer a program the attendance is like 3 kids. And when Joan points out that a program isn't scheduled for this week well that's partly because she and the worship committee agreed with me to cancel it since we knew that there weren't any families who were able to come. I have put so much time and energy into some of these bloody programs that other people suggested and they thought would work, and yet nothing.

I'm so upset that my entire body hurts, my head, my stomach, my legs, everything. Over the past 4 hours I've cried on and off. Even though I knew this was coming, it just fuckin' sucks.

Not to mention that one of my staff from my other job thinks that she isn't getting "credit where credit is due". That I have been taking recognition for her work on the project. FUCK HER! I totally haven't done that. Piss me off. But somehow it seems to her that I haven't done my job properly there. Why do I bother?

And I get to go to church in the morning to teach sunday school and welcome 2 adults into the church after their baptisms. So ready to be fake with my plastic church face on.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would quit both of my jobs. However i know that I'm not in any position right now to make a decision like that.

My life is so fuckin' stupid.