Sinking deep into a sea of depression

I've been pretty depressed for the past week. Basically every time that I have 3o minutes or more to myself without something to distract me, I start to cry. Like every time I drive out of White Rock, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I don't want to get out of bed -even if I've slept for over 9.5 hours. I feel like shit. I am shit.

I guess I never thought about what it would be like to be ministering in a church and then live with the impending transition of what will be. This bloody needs assesment could have me with out a position at my church or it could be that my position is reduced in hours. I'm not sure how to handle this. Of course there are many logical perspectives that can be taken...although my logic and my emotional side are not lining up at all these days (go figure). So at this point they are only suggestions that friends have given.
1. I have no control over what is going to happen, so I should just wait and see.
2. If my position is reduced just a few hours it won't be the end of the world.
3. This is a sign that I should be moving on from First.
4. It's just a job and there are jobs outside of the church that I can work in.
5. First is not a church where youth ministry will flourish, is there a better way to do youth ministry?

So yes those are all logical views to take in this situation. But I can't accept any of them. I feel like my work is being judged. That I am being judged. That I haven't lived upto the expectations laid out for me. I'm learning how to deal with the feeling that my church family doesn't want me serving them anymore. Which makes me think that they don't like me, that they were just using me, that they were lying to me, and that whatever connection I have made with them has been fake.

I feel like I have failed. I have failed at bringing more youth to Jesus and to the church. I have failed myself. I have failed the church. I am a failure.

It doesn't help that I didn't have any pre-teens show up for jr. youth tonight (they all had basketball and hockey). While the church is in a time of crisis the famillies pull away. I feel like quitting before they let me go. I don't feel like I belong.

I'm trying to make sure that I eat everyday, and friends are helping me do that. But I already look fat so this doesn't help any. I looked at the pictures from the wedding in december, and my arms, legs, neck, face, hips, stomach, basically my whole body looks fat. Especially next to Nicki who is so freakin' skinny. And now I have to go to the reception for her wedding this weekend...great I get to look fat infront of everyone all over again. excellent. I don't want to go but I bought a new outfit and shoes, so I'm going.

I hate not having control.