fat

I went out for coffee with a bunch of people tonight. And with my mocha I ordered one of the large cupcakes, I only do this once in a while but I didn't think it was the best idea to have a mocha on an empty stomach when I hadnt been feeling well earlier in the day. I've had this cupcake before and have never been able to finish it. One of my friends commented on the fact that I didn't finish it and that whenever i order it I never finish it. After that I didn't finish my mocha. And when I stood up and saw myself in the mirror I realised how fat I looked, so obvious that I shouldn't have even had the half of the cupcake that I did eat or the mocha. I was already feeling like I had eaten to much after lunch when Joan commented that I did well finishing my grilled cheese and panfries. I try to watch what I eat so I don't eat too much, while others are trying to watch what I eat to make sure that I eat. And I guess I don't really care if they do watch, but sometimes after I hear the comments they play over and over again in my head and it seems like they're saying I ate too much. And that I'm getting fatter.

In worship tonight we talked about dreams, like the "I have a dream" speech by Dr. Martin Luther King. I was in a small group for discussion but all I could think of was how I have a dream that depression would go away for good. Not just for me but for everyone. And that I will be able to see myself as others do, even though I don't believe them and I think their lying about what I look like, I wish I could just snap my fingers and be better. On the other hand I have a dream that I will be thin and not get fat, and that dream is very prominant, and much more believable to me than the other one. It's a contradiction within me.