A Bad Day

Sunday was a bad day as far as depression goes. It started out fine but by mid morning I was sliding deeper into the darkness by the moment. I was feeling fat all weekend from the food and forcing myself to eat because of the conversation about how much each meal is per plate. And that I needed to be an example to the youth. Well…I don’t think I’m a good example. I took the pills infront of 3 people in the office and they didn’t even notice, I tried to hide them behind my bag as I popped them out, but still…no one saw. I think that maybe I wanted one of them to catch me, but it was really out of convenience that I had them in my bag there, I didn't want to have to go back to my cottage to get them later and didn't have time to take them before I had to meet with people. But I was feeling awful and I was totally irritated by everything. I told doris around 2:30pm that I needed to go and just rest in my cabin, adding that I don’t know If she and I had ever had a conversation about my dealing with depression. She said no, and that I could just go and do what I needed to do.

But then I had to sit with one of my youth because she wasn’t feeling well. So half an hour later I went to my room and pretty much cried myself to sleep. And got up 2 hours later just in time for dinner. When I resurfaced no one really checked in with me, it was just surface level if they did. Doris never spoke to me about it again.

Monday wasn't nearly as bad and today things were fine for me. sunday was litteraly a bad day in the midst of alright and good days. I know that lots of stuff lead to the bad day, I missed a memorial service for a man who taught me a lot about global concerns and social justice in this world starting when I was 15, I haven't had a full day off since Oct 21st, and I'm so consious of not letting this fall be like last year's fall.