Can I be tired & not sink?
It’s just so tiring. I hoped that I wouldn’t have to be confronted by memories of her and growing up in that house as much now that I’ve moved out, but now that we’re sorting through everything it’s hard not to be faced with those memories. And putting up with Dad is awful. He doesn’t like anything changing in the house and is a total pain in the ass. Whenever I talk with my sister, I mostly listen to her complaining about Dad and I join in with her.
The memories of my brother were particularly bad today when I was at the house. When he threw a phone at my sister and it shattered, the time when he threw a high heeled shoe at her and she closed the door and it lodged in the door, when he would yell at her and hit her. Every time something happened between them, I was there and I saw it. Sometimes I would go to my room, close the door and cry, or I would go outside and sit on the back steps. A lot of the time I would just stand there crying as I watched them fight. Lots of times I would call Grandma but then I would get in trouble from them and he would start fighting with me. During one of the many fights after mom died, I vividly remember standing on the steps near the basement while my brother stood there with a microphone chord rapped around his neck as he yelled, “Mom was the only one who loved me”. And yet my brother-in-law doesn’t understand why my sister and I don’t really get along with our brother. She tried mentioning one of these memories to my brother and he doesn’t remember fighting that much.
I had no idea that my aunts and uncles didn’t want me to move out of Dad’s house when they came out because Dad was hospitalized in 1999. They thought the situation wasn’t good, that it wasn’t a good enough place for me to live or for him to live there. WTF? They never tried to tell me that back then! I found out from my sister just a couple of days ago. They didn’t think that the house was fit for me to live in, but they just leave me there. To look after an old man who almost died. And they all went back to Ontario. And they haven’t been bothered to contact me since I moved, even though they have my new address and got the email like everyone else. Thanks for the support.
I’ve been so tired this week. It’s no wonder with working a full week, spending time with my sister and her family, being at Dad’s house and around Dad. The memories are hard enough but put on top of it everything else and the whole week just drained me. It has been a hard week, there’s no point in saying anything about food because there wasn’t much.
The memories of my brother were particularly bad today when I was at the house. When he threw a phone at my sister and it shattered, the time when he threw a high heeled shoe at her and she closed the door and it lodged in the door, when he would yell at her and hit her. Every time something happened between them, I was there and I saw it. Sometimes I would go to my room, close the door and cry, or I would go outside and sit on the back steps. A lot of the time I would just stand there crying as I watched them fight. Lots of times I would call Grandma but then I would get in trouble from them and he would start fighting with me. During one of the many fights after mom died, I vividly remember standing on the steps near the basement while my brother stood there with a microphone chord rapped around his neck as he yelled, “Mom was the only one who loved me”. And yet my brother-in-law doesn’t understand why my sister and I don’t really get along with our brother. She tried mentioning one of these memories to my brother and he doesn’t remember fighting that much.
I had no idea that my aunts and uncles didn’t want me to move out of Dad’s house when they came out because Dad was hospitalized in 1999. They thought the situation wasn’t good, that it wasn’t a good enough place for me to live or for him to live there. WTF? They never tried to tell me that back then! I found out from my sister just a couple of days ago. They didn’t think that the house was fit for me to live in, but they just leave me there. To look after an old man who almost died. And they all went back to Ontario. And they haven’t been bothered to contact me since I moved, even though they have my new address and got the email like everyone else. Thanks for the support.
I’ve been so tired this week. It’s no wonder with working a full week, spending time with my sister and her family, being at Dad’s house and around Dad. The memories are hard enough but put on top of it everything else and the whole week just drained me. It has been a hard week, there’s no point in saying anything about food because there wasn’t much.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 9:41 PM
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