Making Room for God
It's the message on the sign outside of South Abbotsford Church (Mennonite). So how much room does God need to have in my life? Is there stuff that I don't need to have and God could take place of?
Having moved a week and a half ago, I sorted through a lot of my stuff (literally and figuratively). Asking myself if I have room for different things in my new condo. I have stuff in basically every room of my Dad's house, so to figure out what to keep, toss and sell/give away, is hell. The truth is there are things that I don't need, that just take up space. Like clothes that I haven't worn in years (some since in 20 years) but I can't decide if I really want to get rid of them. It's more than just taking them to a thrift store or non-profit clothes closet, it's letting go of what they represent. Like the dress I wore to mom's memorial service, the dresses that belonged to Grandma that are totally retro-cool but that I'll never wear, the numerous concert t-shirts and retreat/camp shirts...I don't actually use most of this shit.
My bedroom was so jam-packed with papers scattered across the floor and random things that could be thrown out (broken candles anyone?). I'm not sure how I really managed to live in that space for all these years. And the dust...no wonder I have invested in Kleenex. I was dying in that house. I'm still not done moving and sorting. That's going to take a while but the bulk is done. Which is kind of a relief but has also been totally stressful and draining.
I think at times in my life I haven't had enough room for God. But I know that God always has room for me. When I was in elementary school a friend of mine lived on my block. When we were at home in the afternoons and on weekends, we would hang out together regularly. But when we were at school, we never sat together, played together, or did anything together. I wasn't really friends with any of her friends. She didn't have time for me at school rather only when weren't there. This really frustrated me and I can remember crying over it and journalling about it. I just didn't understand and it felt like she was being so mean to me. I think sometimes I only have time for God on Sunday mornings at church. And even then when I was growing up it was when we would say prayers, I didn't relate the hymns or the story time to God, or see it as a way of including God in my life.
So many times I have said I can't do this without God, or I'm able to with the help of God. When I covenented my ministry at the church it's part of the statements that I make. And for the most part it feels that way. I know that I've done many things in my life without God's help, or without acknowledging God's help. Looking after myself for instance. Any harm that I've caused to my body is not by the will of God. It's a demon within me. I have no idea if creating more room for God will be the only to help me fully fight this demon, I think there's more to it than that. But I do know that praying before I go into a counselling session is really helpful. I ask God to be present with me, to help me have words to describe what I'm feeling, to use my counsellor as God's instrument of healing, etc. And when I don't know what to say in these prayers sometimes I just cry (not a good idea if I'm driving) after all God knows what is on my heart even before I do.
Now that I'm living on my own I think I have more room for God. Beyond thinking I have more space to live in, but that my life isn't quite as full of other people. Dad isn't going to show up and distract me from my thoughts everyday, or just be around me. Which really did take up too much room in my life. And I don't have cable, this just makes me have more time for me. I can watch dvds, but I don't necessarily have to revolve my schedule around when certain shows are on. I'm not going to end a phone call because Gray's Anatomy or America's Next Top Model is starting. And I know that if I didn't have room for God to present in my life, I would not have been able to through with moving out. I have depended on God's guidance and support to bring me through this process this far.
Making room for God might mean that I have to make some more changes. How much room do I need for God? Is there more that I need to give up in order to make more room for God? Is it fair to God if God is a better "friend" to me than I am to God?
Having moved a week and a half ago, I sorted through a lot of my stuff (literally and figuratively). Asking myself if I have room for different things in my new condo. I have stuff in basically every room of my Dad's house, so to figure out what to keep, toss and sell/give away, is hell. The truth is there are things that I don't need, that just take up space. Like clothes that I haven't worn in years (some since in 20 years) but I can't decide if I really want to get rid of them. It's more than just taking them to a thrift store or non-profit clothes closet, it's letting go of what they represent. Like the dress I wore to mom's memorial service, the dresses that belonged to Grandma that are totally retro-cool but that I'll never wear, the numerous concert t-shirts and retreat/camp shirts...I don't actually use most of this shit.
My bedroom was so jam-packed with papers scattered across the floor and random things that could be thrown out (broken candles anyone?). I'm not sure how I really managed to live in that space for all these years. And the dust...no wonder I have invested in Kleenex. I was dying in that house. I'm still not done moving and sorting. That's going to take a while but the bulk is done. Which is kind of a relief but has also been totally stressful and draining.
I think at times in my life I haven't had enough room for God. But I know that God always has room for me. When I was in elementary school a friend of mine lived on my block. When we were at home in the afternoons and on weekends, we would hang out together regularly. But when we were at school, we never sat together, played together, or did anything together. I wasn't really friends with any of her friends. She didn't have time for me at school rather only when weren't there. This really frustrated me and I can remember crying over it and journalling about it. I just didn't understand and it felt like she was being so mean to me. I think sometimes I only have time for God on Sunday mornings at church. And even then when I was growing up it was when we would say prayers, I didn't relate the hymns or the story time to God, or see it as a way of including God in my life.
So many times I have said I can't do this without God, or I'm able to with the help of God. When I covenented my ministry at the church it's part of the statements that I make. And for the most part it feels that way. I know that I've done many things in my life without God's help, or without acknowledging God's help. Looking after myself for instance. Any harm that I've caused to my body is not by the will of God. It's a demon within me. I have no idea if creating more room for God will be the only to help me fully fight this demon, I think there's more to it than that. But I do know that praying before I go into a counselling session is really helpful. I ask God to be present with me, to help me have words to describe what I'm feeling, to use my counsellor as God's instrument of healing, etc. And when I don't know what to say in these prayers sometimes I just cry (not a good idea if I'm driving) after all God knows what is on my heart even before I do.
Now that I'm living on my own I think I have more room for God. Beyond thinking I have more space to live in, but that my life isn't quite as full of other people. Dad isn't going to show up and distract me from my thoughts everyday, or just be around me. Which really did take up too much room in my life. And I don't have cable, this just makes me have more time for me. I can watch dvds, but I don't necessarily have to revolve my schedule around when certain shows are on. I'm not going to end a phone call because Gray's Anatomy or America's Next Top Model is starting. And I know that if I didn't have room for God to present in my life, I would not have been able to through with moving out. I have depended on God's guidance and support to bring me through this process this far.
Making room for God might mean that I have to make some more changes. How much room do I need for God? Is there more that I need to give up in order to make more room for God? Is it fair to God if God is a better "friend" to me than I am to God?
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 3:08 PM
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