It's been 1 year

1 year ago I felt like I had even less control over my life than I already had. And things definitely got worse before they began to get better. At times things are still really rough and hard to deal with but I guess I have more hope that I'm not going to drown in the troubled waters. Some days I totally sink low (like last Sunday) but then the next day isn't usually as bad and the one after is usually fairly good.

I'm scared this weekend because of the memories of what it was like last year. But I've changed how things go now. Tonight I had dinner with the same friends but instead of seeing a movie we played Settlers and hung out at my condo in White Rock. And earlier today Dione and I got luxury pedicures for her birthday. For a while tonight I was totally nervous that the evening may have played out in the same way as last year -but it didn't. Maybe that wasn't a rational fear. My friends were there for me today like they were last year but in a slightly different way.

I am so grateful for everyone who reminded me often of the Light of Christ that is there even in the darkest hour when I can't see anything around me. Probably a few times a week I fall and can't see that for myself. But eventually it comes back to me.

What does scare me is that last year part withdrawing from everything included moving out of Dad's house. And now I've done that, so at times it feels like leaving everything. What if I get completely lost in the darkness again? I can't help but have that question in the back of my mind. My bad days are bad and it feels like there is nothing I can do about that. My body is so fat (especially after eating out twice today and drinking last night) and heavy, I can't believe that I'll be wearing a bathing suite in Mexico in 3 weeks. And then how am I going to manage eating while I'm down there? Oh man...I just thought of that now! Shit!

Most of my scars have healed. People don't even notice them any more, which is great.

I hope tomorow is a good day. Not a shitty one.