Survived Christmas
Christmas wasn't that bad this year. I had a complete break down on Dec. 23rd as I was wrapping presents while watching the Family Stone movie. I saw that movie last december in the theatre and knew that it is sad because the mom is sick with cancer and dies from it before the second Christmas in the movie. I realised that night that I don't have anything of my mom's at my place. None of her Christmas decorations. None of her furniture. Nothing. I miss her so much! And I just wish that she was with me now.
I didn't feel like digging out any of her decorations that I wanted to have at my place. Partly because logically I know that putting them out will not bring her to me at Christmas. I don't know which feels worse; not having anything of hers with me or having a constant reminder that she is no longer around by having one of her old things with me.
I rode on the ferry without Blue (the stuffed platapus that Christine gave me to hold onto when I ride ferries) and it wasn't so bad. I didn't hurt myself, except I realised near the end of the ride that I had been pulling out my eyebrows with my fingernails. I think it helped that I spoke with my sister on the phone a couple of times. There weren't a lot of people on the ferry but I don't know if that makes much difference actually.
I actually had some fun with my neice on Christmas. I never thought that would be possible. There were a few moments where I was a little upset inside realising that things for her are going to be so much better than they were for me. Like Dad calls her names and my sister and I are both there to tell him not to. No one was there to stop that when we were kids. I was so mad when he called her a dimbulb and an idiot. She's only 19 months old! How dare he make fun of her and insult her because she does something he doesn't think is smart! Fuck him! They (her parents) give her so much attention which is awesome to see but I know that I didn't have it as good. And seeing my sister bathe my neice was heart-wretching, my dad used to force her to bathe me when I was 5. Bath time was a fight with everyone, me, dad, and ruth.
And I hate Dad commenting on what I eat! He told me that my doctor said I'm not supposed to eat butter tarts! WTF!? He is the one who isn't supposed to eat desserts. The worst thing was that my stomach was already hurting with sharp pains because I had eaten so much at dinner and was trying to fit in by eating a tart with Ruth. I can't stand the fact that I was eating as much as I was over the holidays with them and that I gained weight and look totally fat now. I've tried to lose it since then but I was feeling really sick tonight and almost fainted when I was shopping. I guess I hadn't eaten enough today.
I have felt so tired over the past 3 days. I haven't had the energy to work, so now I'm behind in my office stuff which makes me feel awful. But what can I do? Spending time with family is draining. Remembering mom is painful. I can only handle so much during the days around Christmas. And it is easier to focus what little energy I do have on spending time with friends and my sister.
I didn't feel like digging out any of her decorations that I wanted to have at my place. Partly because logically I know that putting them out will not bring her to me at Christmas. I don't know which feels worse; not having anything of hers with me or having a constant reminder that she is no longer around by having one of her old things with me.
I rode on the ferry without Blue (the stuffed platapus that Christine gave me to hold onto when I ride ferries) and it wasn't so bad. I didn't hurt myself, except I realised near the end of the ride that I had been pulling out my eyebrows with my fingernails. I think it helped that I spoke with my sister on the phone a couple of times. There weren't a lot of people on the ferry but I don't know if that makes much difference actually.
I actually had some fun with my neice on Christmas. I never thought that would be possible. There were a few moments where I was a little upset inside realising that things for her are going to be so much better than they were for me. Like Dad calls her names and my sister and I are both there to tell him not to. No one was there to stop that when we were kids. I was so mad when he called her a dimbulb and an idiot. She's only 19 months old! How dare he make fun of her and insult her because she does something he doesn't think is smart! Fuck him! They (her parents) give her so much attention which is awesome to see but I know that I didn't have it as good. And seeing my sister bathe my neice was heart-wretching, my dad used to force her to bathe me when I was 5. Bath time was a fight with everyone, me, dad, and ruth.
And I hate Dad commenting on what I eat! He told me that my doctor said I'm not supposed to eat butter tarts! WTF!? He is the one who isn't supposed to eat desserts. The worst thing was that my stomach was already hurting with sharp pains because I had eaten so much at dinner and was trying to fit in by eating a tart with Ruth. I can't stand the fact that I was eating as much as I was over the holidays with them and that I gained weight and look totally fat now. I've tried to lose it since then but I was feeling really sick tonight and almost fainted when I was shopping. I guess I hadn't eaten enough today.
I have felt so tired over the past 3 days. I haven't had the energy to work, so now I'm behind in my office stuff which makes me feel awful. But what can I do? Spending time with family is draining. Remembering mom is painful. I can only handle so much during the days around Christmas. And it is easier to focus what little energy I do have on spending time with friends and my sister.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 10:50 PM
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