I've been having a rough time lately, so my sabbath time has been spent trying to improve the way I'm feeling through prayer and spending time with friends to bring my spirits up. I'm feeling really discouraged about the church. So this email is me being upset, venting and questioning. (And as I think about, I realise that I haven't had the energy to read over the outcomes document that Amy sent, sorry about that.)

I've put so much time, energy and commitment into my ministry lately and haven't been supported by my colleagues in my congregation. The latest is that over the past 3 weeks I've worked over 150 hours for the church at the congregational, presbytieral and conference levels for youth retreats, BC Conference meeting and attending an Appreciative Way/Appreciative Inquiry wokshop as suggested by my colleagues we do as a team. I was feeling really tired and run down, however optimistic until I recieved an email from a colleague giving me feedback for not finding a Sunday School teacher for the youth class this past Sunday. I had contacted the SS coordinator and told her I hadn't found anyone, plus i put an announcement in the bulletin last week inviting all of the youth, in fact the whole congregation to attend the Celebration of Ministry service on the Sunday of conference (since it was ha ppening 10 minutes away from our church), I needed to be there because I had been a leader for Children @ Conference (ages 8-12) which is an age group that I've worked with this year.

I'm feeling done with it all. I've been discerning for a couple of months now whether or not I'll continue on in this congregation, in fact whether or not I'll continue on with the church. I'm tired of planning programs in my congregation and either no one comes or 2 or 3 come. I'm frustrated with having a different vision of youth ministry in a congregation than that of the other ministers on my team. I'm angry that people in my congregation would rather point out my irresponsibility for not finding a substitute teacher instead of responding to me when I said that I needed someone to teach the youth class and that I was having trouble finding someone.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to decide if I'll stay on in this congregation. And if I'll tough it out as a youth minister.

On another note, a grade 12 student in Abbotsford, BC was stabbed and killed on Saturday this past weekend. This youth was a participant in a program that I supervise for Abbotsford Community Services focusing on youth gang prevention. The youth worker had been a constant presence in his life over the past 3 years as a basketball coach, youth worker and mentor. His parents knew the youth worker as well, because of his influence on their son. The youth's past caught up with him, he had gone down a bad road for a while but had turned around for some time. Obviously those who had disagreements with him in the past wanted to bring them up again, and in the wee hours of Saturday morning threatened him and his family, and in the end stabbed him on the front lawn of his house. I'm upset about this, and I'm supporting my staff member who is greiving along side a family who in their denial suggested that he wake up their son, as he had done in the p ast when he didn't show up for a game.

In general, I'm feeling discouraged about youth work all around. I know logically that when bad incidents happen like a stabbing, that it can be used for good to take a stand against violence. At this point I just see it as a youth who we tried to help and it didn't matter in the end.

failure

I'm a failure. I honestly believe that there isn't anything that I can do well and everything that I have done has been shit. why the fuck did they even hire me in the first place at that church? I obviously haven't been able to do what they want me to do and don't think that I can do what they want done (not that they even know what that is). they've slapt me in the face. They reduced my hours from being half time to being one third time (20 down to 13 hours a week) and only 10 months of the year (sept to june). So at the end of my current contract I won't be working for 2 months at the church if I continue my position in sept.

At the same time what's the point of me trying to do anything? It's not like all of a sudden I'm going to be getting a bunch of youth out for programs regardless of how much time I put into planning a program and if it's what they've requested. I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can go on with this any more.

Why did God have me serve the church in this way? I wasted my time on serving God and God's church. And look where it got me, feeling totally depressed, hating myself, and a church that has wasted it's money. I can't do it anymore. I don't offer as many programs because the youth and children just don't show up for them. Half the time when I do offer a program the attendance is like 3 kids. And when Joan points out that a program isn't scheduled for this week well that's partly because she and the worship committee agreed with me to cancel it since we knew that there weren't any families who were able to come. I have put so much time and energy into some of these bloody programs that other people suggested and they thought would work, and yet nothing.

I'm so upset that my entire body hurts, my head, my stomach, my legs, everything. Over the past 4 hours I've cried on and off. Even though I knew this was coming, it just fuckin' sucks.

Not to mention that one of my staff from my other job thinks that she isn't getting "credit where credit is due". That I have been taking recognition for her work on the project. FUCK HER! I totally haven't done that. Piss me off. But somehow it seems to her that I haven't done my job properly there. Why do I bother?

And I get to go to church in the morning to teach sunday school and welcome 2 adults into the church after their baptisms. So ready to be fake with my plastic church face on.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would quit both of my jobs. However i know that I'm not in any position right now to make a decision like that.

My life is so fuckin' stupid.

Sinking deep into a sea of depression

I've been pretty depressed for the past week. Basically every time that I have 3o minutes or more to myself without something to distract me, I start to cry. Like every time I drive out of White Rock, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I don't want to get out of bed -even if I've slept for over 9.5 hours. I feel like shit. I am shit.

I guess I never thought about what it would be like to be ministering in a church and then live with the impending transition of what will be. This bloody needs assesment could have me with out a position at my church or it could be that my position is reduced in hours. I'm not sure how to handle this. Of course there are many logical perspectives that can be taken...although my logic and my emotional side are not lining up at all these days (go figure). So at this point they are only suggestions that friends have given.
1. I have no control over what is going to happen, so I should just wait and see.
2. If my position is reduced just a few hours it won't be the end of the world.
3. This is a sign that I should be moving on from First.
4. It's just a job and there are jobs outside of the church that I can work in.
5. First is not a church where youth ministry will flourish, is there a better way to do youth ministry?

So yes those are all logical views to take in this situation. But I can't accept any of them. I feel like my work is being judged. That I am being judged. That I haven't lived upto the expectations laid out for me. I'm learning how to deal with the feeling that my church family doesn't want me serving them anymore. Which makes me think that they don't like me, that they were just using me, that they were lying to me, and that whatever connection I have made with them has been fake.

I feel like I have failed. I have failed at bringing more youth to Jesus and to the church. I have failed myself. I have failed the church. I am a failure.

It doesn't help that I didn't have any pre-teens show up for jr. youth tonight (they all had basketball and hockey). While the church is in a time of crisis the famillies pull away. I feel like quitting before they let me go. I don't feel like I belong.

I'm trying to make sure that I eat everyday, and friends are helping me do that. But I already look fat so this doesn't help any. I looked at the pictures from the wedding in december, and my arms, legs, neck, face, hips, stomach, basically my whole body looks fat. Especially next to Nicki who is so freakin' skinny. And now I have to go to the reception for her wedding this weekend...great I get to look fat infront of everyone all over again. excellent. I don't want to go but I bought a new outfit and shoes, so I'm going.

I hate not having control.