Coping after the summer
It's been awhile since my last post. I think for some time I just wanted to pretend that I wasn't sinking anymore and that I was safe on shore. That's not really the case.
Over the summer I was called by God to leave home and work somewhere else. This was a great opportunity and I'm glad I did it. I was challenged to work on many things. One goal was to focus on eating healthy and to treat myself better when it comes to eating. It was harder than I initially thought it would be. I assumed that I would have to eat lunch in the dinning room with everyone else on staff and that my house mate would notice if I didn't eat properly during the rest of the day. As it turns out he is oblivious to everything. Even just by eating only lunch and sometimes other food during the day I still gained weight...way too much weight.
Not to mention that my housemate was high strung and acted out when faced with conflict with me. I was completely freaked out when he threw his guitar and hit his head against the wall in my bedroom all because I didn't agree with what he was suggesting about a work situation. As we talked through the conflict after that point I started to zone out, getting complacent with most of what he was saying, trying not to cry, afraid to kick him out of my room, afraid to move, and I was scratching my back without knowing it. After he left my room I realised that my back hurt. The scar is still there and this was in July.
From that point on in the summer I faced conflict with a different face. I avoided it. I didn't give input unless I was specifically asked. I esentially gave up on trying to make things go the way I thought they should -even if I was right. This frustrated my supervisor more than it did me because it meant that she couldn't depend on me to be a filter of bad decisions made by team members (one of which who happened to be my housemate).
I took out my stress on my food and sleep. Taking control over what I could. There were some moments when I really didn't have control over what I ate or what I did after eating my meals. That's the way it is in community living. People know what and when you are supposed to do things. Especially when work and life include all of the same surroundings and people, there is no hiding. People are always able to find you and they know what your schedule is minute to minute every day.
I feel like I was on a 10 week binge. And now I'm confused. I don't want to remain the weight that I came home as, however I know that my doctor will be happy with the weight that I am right now but which is more important my happiness or my doctor's?
Over the summer I was called by God to leave home and work somewhere else. This was a great opportunity and I'm glad I did it. I was challenged to work on many things. One goal was to focus on eating healthy and to treat myself better when it comes to eating. It was harder than I initially thought it would be. I assumed that I would have to eat lunch in the dinning room with everyone else on staff and that my house mate would notice if I didn't eat properly during the rest of the day. As it turns out he is oblivious to everything. Even just by eating only lunch and sometimes other food during the day I still gained weight...way too much weight.
Not to mention that my housemate was high strung and acted out when faced with conflict with me. I was completely freaked out when he threw his guitar and hit his head against the wall in my bedroom all because I didn't agree with what he was suggesting about a work situation. As we talked through the conflict after that point I started to zone out, getting complacent with most of what he was saying, trying not to cry, afraid to kick him out of my room, afraid to move, and I was scratching my back without knowing it. After he left my room I realised that my back hurt. The scar is still there and this was in July.
From that point on in the summer I faced conflict with a different face. I avoided it. I didn't give input unless I was specifically asked. I esentially gave up on trying to make things go the way I thought they should -even if I was right. This frustrated my supervisor more than it did me because it meant that she couldn't depend on me to be a filter of bad decisions made by team members (one of which who happened to be my housemate).
I took out my stress on my food and sleep. Taking control over what I could. There were some moments when I really didn't have control over what I ate or what I did after eating my meals. That's the way it is in community living. People know what and when you are supposed to do things. Especially when work and life include all of the same surroundings and people, there is no hiding. People are always able to find you and they know what your schedule is minute to minute every day.
I feel like I was on a 10 week binge. And now I'm confused. I don't want to remain the weight that I came home as, however I know that my doctor will be happy with the weight that I am right now but which is more important my happiness or my doctor's?
Labels: summer
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 1:00 AM
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