I've been having a rough time lately, so my sabbath time has been spent trying to improve the way I'm feeling through prayer and spending time with friends to bring my spirits up. I'm feeling really discouraged about the church. So this email is me being upset, venting and questioning. (And as I think about, I realise that I haven't had the energy to read over the outcomes document that Amy sent, sorry about that.)

I've put so much time, energy and commitment into my ministry lately and haven't been supported by my colleagues in my congregation. The latest is that over the past 3 weeks I've worked over 150 hours for the church at the congregational, presbytieral and conference levels for youth retreats, BC Conference meeting and attending an Appreciative Way/Appreciative Inquiry wokshop as suggested by my colleagues we do as a team. I was feeling really tired and run down, however optimistic until I recieved an email from a colleague giving me feedback for not finding a Sunday School teacher for the youth class this past Sunday. I had contacted the SS coordinator and told her I hadn't found anyone, plus i put an announcement in the bulletin last week inviting all of the youth, in fact the whole congregation to attend the Celebration of Ministry service on the Sunday of conference (since it was ha ppening 10 minutes away from our church), I needed to be there because I had been a leader for Children @ Conference (ages 8-12) which is an age group that I've worked with this year.

I'm feeling done with it all. I've been discerning for a couple of months now whether or not I'll continue on in this congregation, in fact whether or not I'll continue on with the church. I'm tired of planning programs in my congregation and either no one comes or 2 or 3 come. I'm frustrated with having a different vision of youth ministry in a congregation than that of the other ministers on my team. I'm angry that people in my congregation would rather point out my irresponsibility for not finding a substitute teacher instead of responding to me when I said that I needed someone to teach the youth class and that I was having trouble finding someone.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to decide if I'll stay on in this congregation. And if I'll tough it out as a youth minister.

On another note, a grade 12 student in Abbotsford, BC was stabbed and killed on Saturday this past weekend. This youth was a participant in a program that I supervise for Abbotsford Community Services focusing on youth gang prevention. The youth worker had been a constant presence in his life over the past 3 years as a basketball coach, youth worker and mentor. His parents knew the youth worker as well, because of his influence on their son. The youth's past caught up with him, he had gone down a bad road for a while but had turned around for some time. Obviously those who had disagreements with him in the past wanted to bring them up again, and in the wee hours of Saturday morning threatened him and his family, and in the end stabbed him on the front lawn of his house. I'm upset about this, and I'm supporting my staff member who is greiving along side a family who in their denial suggested that he wake up their son, as he had done in the p ast when he didn't show up for a game.

In general, I'm feeling discouraged about youth work all around. I know logically that when bad incidents happen like a stabbing, that it can be used for good to take a stand against violence. At this point I just see it as a youth who we tried to help and it didn't matter in the end.