I've been having a rough time lately, so my sabbath time has been spent trying to improve the way I'm feeling through prayer and spending time with friends to bring my spirits up. I'm feeling really discouraged about the church. So this email is me being upset, venting and questioning. (And as I think about, I realise that I haven't had the energy to read over the outcomes document that Amy sent, sorry about that.)

I've put so much time, energy and commitment into my ministry lately and haven't been supported by my colleagues in my congregation. The latest is that over the past 3 weeks I've worked over 150 hours for the church at the congregational, presbytieral and conference levels for youth retreats, BC Conference meeting and attending an Appreciative Way/Appreciative Inquiry wokshop as suggested by my colleagues we do as a team. I was feeling really tired and run down, however optimistic until I recieved an email from a colleague giving me feedback for not finding a Sunday School teacher for the youth class this past Sunday. I had contacted the SS coordinator and told her I hadn't found anyone, plus i put an announcement in the bulletin last week inviting all of the youth, in fact the whole congregation to attend the Celebration of Ministry service on the Sunday of conference (since it was ha ppening 10 minutes away from our church), I needed to be there because I had been a leader for Children @ Conference (ages 8-12) which is an age group that I've worked with this year.

I'm feeling done with it all. I've been discerning for a couple of months now whether or not I'll continue on in this congregation, in fact whether or not I'll continue on with the church. I'm tired of planning programs in my congregation and either no one comes or 2 or 3 come. I'm frustrated with having a different vision of youth ministry in a congregation than that of the other ministers on my team. I'm angry that people in my congregation would rather point out my irresponsibility for not finding a substitute teacher instead of responding to me when I said that I needed someone to teach the youth class and that I was having trouble finding someone.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to decide if I'll stay on in this congregation. And if I'll tough it out as a youth minister.

On another note, a grade 12 student in Abbotsford, BC was stabbed and killed on Saturday this past weekend. This youth was a participant in a program that I supervise for Abbotsford Community Services focusing on youth gang prevention. The youth worker had been a constant presence in his life over the past 3 years as a basketball coach, youth worker and mentor. His parents knew the youth worker as well, because of his influence on their son. The youth's past caught up with him, he had gone down a bad road for a while but had turned around for some time. Obviously those who had disagreements with him in the past wanted to bring them up again, and in the wee hours of Saturday morning threatened him and his family, and in the end stabbed him on the front lawn of his house. I'm upset about this, and I'm supporting my staff member who is greiving along side a family who in their denial suggested that he wake up their son, as he had done in the p ast when he didn't show up for a game.

In general, I'm feeling discouraged about youth work all around. I know logically that when bad incidents happen like a stabbing, that it can be used for good to take a stand against violence. At this point I just see it as a youth who we tried to help and it didn't matter in the end.

No Control in Sinking

This was not the easiest week. Just when I thought things would start to look up, I'd be brought lower than I was before. Little things won't go away, I try to let go of them but they just keep building up.

It's mostly stupid fuckin' people at work. I feel like I can't do anything right and that's being proven by the actions that others need to take to fix what I've done wrong. And it's happening in both workplaces. So at different times through out the week I've considered that I'm not good enough to be in these positions and that I should really give up. That I'm not actually well suited for any of the work that I'm trying to do. And that it really is me, that is the problem, I can't work with people in teams anymore. Everywhere I try, I run into conflict.

I know this has to do with control. I get that. What I don't get is why it is such a big fuckin' deal to me. Or why do I always get stuck in these environments? Or why I can't have control over my reactions?

It's way to draining to deal with. On Tuesday, I stayed in my pyjamas, didn't leave home, slept on and off through out the day, and ate when a friend reminded me on msn. I had the day off as a snow day but I wasn't going to make it to work that day anyways, there was no way I was going to be able to get out of bed and be functional. This is all with an increase in zoloft.

I know I should find ways to cope, good ways that is. I've tried resting. I've tried praying. As hard as I pray though, I still can't give it all over to God. I can say the prayer, but it doesn't go away...and that just makes me feel even less worthy. Like I can't even pray right, I can pray for others no problem, and I know that those prayers feel right, for myself that's another story.

I'm just so fuckin' frustrated.

failure

I'm a failure. I honestly believe that there isn't anything that I can do well and everything that I have done has been shit. why the fuck did they even hire me in the first place at that church? I obviously haven't been able to do what they want me to do and don't think that I can do what they want done (not that they even know what that is). they've slapt me in the face. They reduced my hours from being half time to being one third time (20 down to 13 hours a week) and only 10 months of the year (sept to june). So at the end of my current contract I won't be working for 2 months at the church if I continue my position in sept.

At the same time what's the point of me trying to do anything? It's not like all of a sudden I'm going to be getting a bunch of youth out for programs regardless of how much time I put into planning a program and if it's what they've requested. I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can go on with this any more.

Why did God have me serve the church in this way? I wasted my time on serving God and God's church. And look where it got me, feeling totally depressed, hating myself, and a church that has wasted it's money. I can't do it anymore. I don't offer as many programs because the youth and children just don't show up for them. Half the time when I do offer a program the attendance is like 3 kids. And when Joan points out that a program isn't scheduled for this week well that's partly because she and the worship committee agreed with me to cancel it since we knew that there weren't any families who were able to come. I have put so much time and energy into some of these bloody programs that other people suggested and they thought would work, and yet nothing.

I'm so upset that my entire body hurts, my head, my stomach, my legs, everything. Over the past 4 hours I've cried on and off. Even though I knew this was coming, it just fuckin' sucks.

Not to mention that one of my staff from my other job thinks that she isn't getting "credit where credit is due". That I have been taking recognition for her work on the project. FUCK HER! I totally haven't done that. Piss me off. But somehow it seems to her that I haven't done my job properly there. Why do I bother?

And I get to go to church in the morning to teach sunday school and welcome 2 adults into the church after their baptisms. So ready to be fake with my plastic church face on.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would quit both of my jobs. However i know that I'm not in any position right now to make a decision like that.

My life is so fuckin' stupid.

Fuck it

I hate everything

I can't stand the pressure of work

I don't know how to handle the unknown

I want to give up

I'm worthless

I feel like shit

I'm hurting

I'm useless

I can't handle it

I want to end it

I am not effective

I can't be bothered

I don't see any point

I'm ready to leave it all behind

I don't have any reason to be

I don't think it will make any difference

I'm pissed off at my life and the church

I don't think anything will be accomplished

As per your request -I give up.

So far being 27 sucks just as much as 26. I had a fun birthday weekend going to a musical, a concert and hanging out with friends. But this week has been hell. People have been pissing me off at the church. In particular when they completely discriminated against my leadership skills, mostly based on my ministry category, age and gender I believe. I was told that it had been requested that the ordained minister from the committee chair the meeting as opposed to me who the meeting date was scheduled around so that I could be there because the ordained man wasn't available. Fuck them. I'm not going at all now, what's the point, they obviously place little confidence and value on me. They have treated me like shit for 7 months and I've had enough.

I pretty much feel like quitting everything (both jobs, school, etc). And how the hell am I supposed to feel supported by the church and welcomed in the church if they don't value me as a person and don't see me as being creditable. They place higher value on members who live 2 hours away and occasionally send them money.

Life sucks.

losing control

food is not my friend. i stopped taking my supplement and vitamins/nutrient pills weeks ago. i don't think that was a good idea. i only stopped because i was being lazy. but it's not like i've been eating any better than i had been. it means that i end up eating crap, looking fat, and treating myself badly because of it. my weight has pretty much stayed the same, i haven't lost any and there are a couple of pounds that fluctuate (piss me off). logically i know that i'm not getting the right nutrition, which is a bad thing when i purge. i guess i should make it a goal to have my supplement every day and start to take the vitamins. pain in the ass.

work is stressful. i'm getting the sense that the committee from hell may need to revisit the report that they did because of feedback that they're receiving from the congregation. i don't know if i can handle much more of them, especially when they should have paid more attention to what i was saying rather than always trying to shut me up. i think that the Spirit was guiding what i was saying since other people are making the same suggestions now. at the same time it makes me feel like shit because obviously i wasn't strong enough to get my point across to the committee for them to take me serious. i also think that the committee doesn't really know what everyone else wants, and i don't think there is consensus amongst their community either.

Can life get any worse?

I can't sleep. I slept for maybe 5 hours and I'm awake. After the day from hell yesturday, I guess I can't calm down enough to rest.

I've been feeling inadequate at work with the sense that I can't do anything right, that I am not accomplishing what I need to be and that there isn't really much point in any of the work that I'm trying to do. It's not going to make a difference anyways. This is all stemming from feeling really depressed on Saturday after the memorial service. I get that, but even though I realised what brought out these feelings again doesn't mean I can just make them go away. (wish I could.)

To make things that much worse I found out on Tuesday morning that my congregation is entering a Needs Assesment. Why don't I just quit now? They can't afford all of the staff that they have. And I know that they are going to cut back on my position. It fucking sucks! well I don't know that for sure, I won't know for 6 months. I feel so stupid, how could I possibley think that I would be able to stay in this youth ministry position at First for a good amount of time and then leave it for another person to come into it? Obviously I havent' accomplished enough in the congregation. Why do I even bother? What is the point of trying to get youth to come to a meeting and then when they don't show up, I have to let people know that no one came. There were 7 youth at church on Sunday and it probably looked like there isn't anything for them because I don't have the calendar printed yet. And there was only 1 child there, most of our regular families were off skiing. This kind of thing is not helping.

I realise that moving to White Rock was me needing to get out of Dad's house and not live in Abbotsford anymore. but at the same time I focused on White Rock when finding a condo because I work for the church out here. And now in a few months I could find myself living 4 blocks away from a church that can't afford to employ me and that essentially doesn't want me around. What did I do to deserve this?

All that and I'm starting a theology course today. A course that I'm taking as my study leave this year for my position at the church. This is so not encouraging. Why the hell should I be bothering to take continuing education for a position that doesn't even want me.

I realise that I'm taking all of this personally and that I shouldn't be. It's not about me its about the budget of the church. I was the last staff person they hired 3.5 years ago. I feel like it's because of me that their budget is in a deficit.

Not to mention that yesturday I realised that we screwed up our shipping of our RFP in that we only sent 3 hard copies (3- 2" binders) in the package with the courier and we were now being requested to send 4. Fuck. What if they don't like the fact that the binders are arriving in different packages? This could be the deciding factor that we don't get the grant, if there was other really good RFPs that arrived all in the same package.

So basically 3-6 months from now, I could be working a total of 8 hours a week in Abbotsford. While I live in my White Rock condo and I'll need to figure out a way to pay my mortgage and other bills. How the fuck is this fair? Why is God letting all this shit happen to me? I'm totally worthless.

A Stormy Day

My day went from feeling OK, to feeling like worthless shit, to feeling remotely happy, to feeling completely stressed out, to feeling absolutely pissed off. It was almost like one of those ferry rides where it looks like it will be a calm ride, but then they announce for everyone to sit down, and the waves crash up along the side of the boat, and after your sailing they cancel the next ones because of a freakish storm. It litterally turned into a day from hell. For the most part in hindsight I know that I over-reacted to lots of things. But I can't help the way I feel. I just have to put up with it and deal with it. I was so angry at a meeting that I was picturing arrowheads darting into the eyes of one of the womyn at the meeting. It was awful. With so much work on my to do lists for both jobs I just feel like I can't get it all done, yet at the same time I so excited about all of the things that I get to do...I love my work, honestly I really enjoy it. I just get stressed out by it.

And now it's 1:16am and I'm totally awake. So I'll be starting my Friday tired and drained. Which I know will lower the chances of it being a good day. That's just what happens.