Pros & Cons

The countdown is on. The stupid fucking co-worker has 3 days left of her contract, hopefully I can get through these last days without hurting her.

Everything is so stressful right now with the church. They want me to sign a new contract when they don't even know what the job description is going to be, they are sadly mistaken if they think I'm going to do that. I'm not even sure if I want to work there. The past 2 weeks in particular this has been really draining and anything but life giving. Since I haven't been in control over this bullshit at the church, I've turned to controlling other things...again (food and scratching). I've mostly come to realise this bad behaviour the day following or in counselling, etc.

So here are the pros & cons that I can think of this morning:
Pros

1. I know the people at First so well they are church family to me
2. I can be there for the youth and families in the congregation
3. I live very close to First
4. It would be less of a change, which is easier for me to cope with
5. I can minsiter with them during this challenging time
6. It makes sense for me to stay and help evaluate the programs in youth and family ministry since I coordinate them

Cons

1. This will hurt me financially, with a decrease of 46% of pay and no cheques during the summer
2. I don't know what the job description will be
3. They have unrealistic expectations
4. I'm not sure if youth ministry will ever grow in that church
5. I'm not sure if youth associated with First are underserved and need the programs at the church
6. Members of First have made me feel like shit in the past 2 months
7. I don't think I can make a difference that they are looking for
8. If I work for another church, I would probably have to move

What they aren't saying

They don't want me.
They don't like me.
They don't think I'm the right one.
They hate me.
They don't think I can do anything right.
They don't appreciate me.
They would rather not have to face me.
They hate everything I've done.
They're mad at me.
They want to get rid of me.
They think I'm stupid.
They want me to leave.
They are just to nice to say so.

Or is this really how I feel about myself? Maybe I shouldn't be assuming all of this about them when it is most likely that I'm feeling this way about me. Fuck.

failure

I'm a failure. I honestly believe that there isn't anything that I can do well and everything that I have done has been shit. why the fuck did they even hire me in the first place at that church? I obviously haven't been able to do what they want me to do and don't think that I can do what they want done (not that they even know what that is). they've slapt me in the face. They reduced my hours from being half time to being one third time (20 down to 13 hours a week) and only 10 months of the year (sept to june). So at the end of my current contract I won't be working for 2 months at the church if I continue my position in sept.

At the same time what's the point of me trying to do anything? It's not like all of a sudden I'm going to be getting a bunch of youth out for programs regardless of how much time I put into planning a program and if it's what they've requested. I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can go on with this any more.

Why did God have me serve the church in this way? I wasted my time on serving God and God's church. And look where it got me, feeling totally depressed, hating myself, and a church that has wasted it's money. I can't do it anymore. I don't offer as many programs because the youth and children just don't show up for them. Half the time when I do offer a program the attendance is like 3 kids. And when Joan points out that a program isn't scheduled for this week well that's partly because she and the worship committee agreed with me to cancel it since we knew that there weren't any families who were able to come. I have put so much time and energy into some of these bloody programs that other people suggested and they thought would work, and yet nothing.

I'm so upset that my entire body hurts, my head, my stomach, my legs, everything. Over the past 4 hours I've cried on and off. Even though I knew this was coming, it just fuckin' sucks.

Not to mention that one of my staff from my other job thinks that she isn't getting "credit where credit is due". That I have been taking recognition for her work on the project. FUCK HER! I totally haven't done that. Piss me off. But somehow it seems to her that I haven't done my job properly there. Why do I bother?

And I get to go to church in the morning to teach sunday school and welcome 2 adults into the church after their baptisms. So ready to be fake with my plastic church face on.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would quit both of my jobs. However i know that I'm not in any position right now to make a decision like that.

My life is so fuckin' stupid.

Completely Shaken

8 I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Even though I've put the Lord always before me, I have been completely shaken by the Lord and the church.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,

My heart is upset, I don't feel like rejoicing or praising and my body is weak it's not resting,

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

How can I be sure that God will not abandon me? It feels like the Holy Spirit that I was baptized with has given up as well.

11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand

What's the point in following the path of life? Where is this joy?

Fuck it

I hate everything

I can't stand the pressure of work

I don't know how to handle the unknown

I want to give up

I'm worthless

I feel like shit

I'm hurting

I'm useless

I can't handle it

I want to end it

I am not effective

I can't be bothered

I don't see any point

I'm ready to leave it all behind

I don't have any reason to be

I don't think it will make any difference

I'm pissed off at my life and the church

I don't think anything will be accomplished

As per your request -I give up.

So far being 27 sucks just as much as 26. I had a fun birthday weekend going to a musical, a concert and hanging out with friends. But this week has been hell. People have been pissing me off at the church. In particular when they completely discriminated against my leadership skills, mostly based on my ministry category, age and gender I believe. I was told that it had been requested that the ordained minister from the committee chair the meeting as opposed to me who the meeting date was scheduled around so that I could be there because the ordained man wasn't available. Fuck them. I'm not going at all now, what's the point, they obviously place little confidence and value on me. They have treated me like shit for 7 months and I've had enough.

I pretty much feel like quitting everything (both jobs, school, etc). And how the hell am I supposed to feel supported by the church and welcomed in the church if they don't value me as a person and don't see me as being creditable. They place higher value on members who live 2 hours away and occasionally send them money.

Life sucks.

losing control

food is not my friend. i stopped taking my supplement and vitamins/nutrient pills weeks ago. i don't think that was a good idea. i only stopped because i was being lazy. but it's not like i've been eating any better than i had been. it means that i end up eating crap, looking fat, and treating myself badly because of it. my weight has pretty much stayed the same, i haven't lost any and there are a couple of pounds that fluctuate (piss me off). logically i know that i'm not getting the right nutrition, which is a bad thing when i purge. i guess i should make it a goal to have my supplement every day and start to take the vitamins. pain in the ass.

work is stressful. i'm getting the sense that the committee from hell may need to revisit the report that they did because of feedback that they're receiving from the congregation. i don't know if i can handle much more of them, especially when they should have paid more attention to what i was saying rather than always trying to shut me up. i think that the Spirit was guiding what i was saying since other people are making the same suggestions now. at the same time it makes me feel like shit because obviously i wasn't strong enough to get my point across to the committee for them to take me serious. i also think that the committee doesn't really know what everyone else wants, and i don't think there is consensus amongst their community either.

Sinking deep into a sea of depression

I've been pretty depressed for the past week. Basically every time that I have 3o minutes or more to myself without something to distract me, I start to cry. Like every time I drive out of White Rock, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I don't want to get out of bed -even if I've slept for over 9.5 hours. I feel like shit. I am shit.

I guess I never thought about what it would be like to be ministering in a church and then live with the impending transition of what will be. This bloody needs assesment could have me with out a position at my church or it could be that my position is reduced in hours. I'm not sure how to handle this. Of course there are many logical perspectives that can be taken...although my logic and my emotional side are not lining up at all these days (go figure). So at this point they are only suggestions that friends have given.
1. I have no control over what is going to happen, so I should just wait and see.
2. If my position is reduced just a few hours it won't be the end of the world.
3. This is a sign that I should be moving on from First.
4. It's just a job and there are jobs outside of the church that I can work in.
5. First is not a church where youth ministry will flourish, is there a better way to do youth ministry?

So yes those are all logical views to take in this situation. But I can't accept any of them. I feel like my work is being judged. That I am being judged. That I haven't lived upto the expectations laid out for me. I'm learning how to deal with the feeling that my church family doesn't want me serving them anymore. Which makes me think that they don't like me, that they were just using me, that they were lying to me, and that whatever connection I have made with them has been fake.

I feel like I have failed. I have failed at bringing more youth to Jesus and to the church. I have failed myself. I have failed the church. I am a failure.

It doesn't help that I didn't have any pre-teens show up for jr. youth tonight (they all had basketball and hockey). While the church is in a time of crisis the famillies pull away. I feel like quitting before they let me go. I don't feel like I belong.

I'm trying to make sure that I eat everyday, and friends are helping me do that. But I already look fat so this doesn't help any. I looked at the pictures from the wedding in december, and my arms, legs, neck, face, hips, stomach, basically my whole body looks fat. Especially next to Nicki who is so freakin' skinny. And now I have to go to the reception for her wedding this weekend...great I get to look fat infront of everyone all over again. excellent. I don't want to go but I bought a new outfit and shoes, so I'm going.

I hate not having control.