No Control.
I hate not having control. It always comes back to that.
Today was one of the worst days in a long time. I actually got so stressed out at work while I was rewriting an rfp at work that I started to cry...not just because it was a hell of a lot of work but because I didn't have faith that it was going to make any fucking difference. I mean sure we'll probably get the funding but the project won't make a difference. People don't actually give a shit about each other, making kids do a workshop isn't going to get them to change their minds or their behaviours.
I also can't stand the fact that my coworker is refusing to take time off work when her doctor told her to and wrote her a note. She keeps emailing and calling the office to have someone take her her work laptop and files. It pissses me off. I don't like the fact that she's sick. But at the same time I hate the fact that she's not doing what she's been told to do.
What it all comes down to is I have no control. There are too many things that affect my life that I can't control. Which has been throwing my mind and body back into the past when I had no control because of death and loss. That shit on top of working over 50 hours in 6 days has made me exhausted and depressed. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed in the morning for the past 2 weeks when my alarm went off. I haven't been able to see the point of getting up. And then eventually I've been forcing myself out of bed and getting to work however late. No wonder I have scratches on me again. No wonder I'm forcing myself to eat when I see others eat at work (because it makes me realise I haven't eaten on my own at home).
Even though I've realised why I've been feeling this way, I still feel like shit. I haven't regained control. I'm still upset about the past. I can't change that. I hate this because it seems hopeless.
Today was one of the worst days in a long time. I actually got so stressed out at work while I was rewriting an rfp at work that I started to cry...not just because it was a hell of a lot of work but because I didn't have faith that it was going to make any fucking difference. I mean sure we'll probably get the funding but the project won't make a difference. People don't actually give a shit about each other, making kids do a workshop isn't going to get them to change their minds or their behaviours.
I also can't stand the fact that my coworker is refusing to take time off work when her doctor told her to and wrote her a note. She keeps emailing and calling the office to have someone take her her work laptop and files. It pissses me off. I don't like the fact that she's sick. But at the same time I hate the fact that she's not doing what she's been told to do.
What it all comes down to is I have no control. There are too many things that affect my life that I can't control. Which has been throwing my mind and body back into the past when I had no control because of death and loss. That shit on top of working over 50 hours in 6 days has made me exhausted and depressed. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed in the morning for the past 2 weeks when my alarm went off. I haven't been able to see the point of getting up. And then eventually I've been forcing myself out of bed and getting to work however late. No wonder I have scratches on me again. No wonder I'm forcing myself to eat when I see others eat at work (because it makes me realise I haven't eaten on my own at home).
Even though I've realised why I've been feeling this way, I still feel like shit. I haven't regained control. I'm still upset about the past. I can't change that. I hate this because it seems hopeless.
Labels: bad week
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:30 PM
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