No Control in Sinking

This was not the easiest week. Just when I thought things would start to look up, I'd be brought lower than I was before. Little things won't go away, I try to let go of them but they just keep building up.

It's mostly stupid fuckin' people at work. I feel like I can't do anything right and that's being proven by the actions that others need to take to fix what I've done wrong. And it's happening in both workplaces. So at different times through out the week I've considered that I'm not good enough to be in these positions and that I should really give up. That I'm not actually well suited for any of the work that I'm trying to do. And that it really is me, that is the problem, I can't work with people in teams anymore. Everywhere I try, I run into conflict.

I know this has to do with control. I get that. What I don't get is why it is such a big fuckin' deal to me. Or why do I always get stuck in these environments? Or why I can't have control over my reactions?

It's way to draining to deal with. On Tuesday, I stayed in my pyjamas, didn't leave home, slept on and off through out the day, and ate when a friend reminded me on msn. I had the day off as a snow day but I wasn't going to make it to work that day anyways, there was no way I was going to be able to get out of bed and be functional. This is all with an increase in zoloft.

I know I should find ways to cope, good ways that is. I've tried resting. I've tried praying. As hard as I pray though, I still can't give it all over to God. I can say the prayer, but it doesn't go away...and that just makes me feel even less worthy. Like I can't even pray right, I can pray for others no problem, and I know that those prayers feel right, for myself that's another story.

I'm just so fuckin' frustrated.