Can life get any worse?
I can't sleep. I slept for maybe 5 hours and I'm awake. After the day from hell yesturday, I guess I can't calm down enough to rest.
I've been feeling inadequate at work with the sense that I can't do anything right, that I am not accomplishing what I need to be and that there isn't really much point in any of the work that I'm trying to do. It's not going to make a difference anyways. This is all stemming from feeling really depressed on Saturday after the memorial service. I get that, but even though I realised what brought out these feelings again doesn't mean I can just make them go away. (wish I could.)
To make things that much worse I found out on Tuesday morning that my congregation is entering a Needs Assesment. Why don't I just quit now? They can't afford all of the staff that they have. And I know that they are going to cut back on my position. It fucking sucks! well I don't know that for sure, I won't know for 6 months. I feel so stupid, how could I possibley think that I would be able to stay in this youth ministry position at First for a good amount of time and then leave it for another person to come into it? Obviously I havent' accomplished enough in the congregation. Why do I even bother? What is the point of trying to get youth to come to a meeting and then when they don't show up, I have to let people know that no one came. There were 7 youth at church on Sunday and it probably looked like there isn't anything for them because I don't have the calendar printed yet. And there was only 1 child there, most of our regular families were off skiing. This kind of thing is not helping.
I realise that moving to White Rock was me needing to get out of Dad's house and not live in Abbotsford anymore. but at the same time I focused on White Rock when finding a condo because I work for the church out here. And now in a few months I could find myself living 4 blocks away from a church that can't afford to employ me and that essentially doesn't want me around. What did I do to deserve this?
All that and I'm starting a theology course today. A course that I'm taking as my study leave this year for my position at the church. This is so not encouraging. Why the hell should I be bothering to take continuing education for a position that doesn't even want me.
I realise that I'm taking all of this personally and that I shouldn't be. It's not about me its about the budget of the church. I was the last staff person they hired 3.5 years ago. I feel like it's because of me that their budget is in a deficit.
Not to mention that yesturday I realised that we screwed up our shipping of our RFP in that we only sent 3 hard copies (3- 2" binders) in the package with the courier and we were now being requested to send 4. Fuck. What if they don't like the fact that the binders are arriving in different packages? This could be the deciding factor that we don't get the grant, if there was other really good RFPs that arrived all in the same package.
So basically 3-6 months from now, I could be working a total of 8 hours a week in Abbotsford. While I live in my White Rock condo and I'll need to figure out a way to pay my mortgage and other bills. How the fuck is this fair? Why is God letting all this shit happen to me? I'm totally worthless.
I've been feeling inadequate at work with the sense that I can't do anything right, that I am not accomplishing what I need to be and that there isn't really much point in any of the work that I'm trying to do. It's not going to make a difference anyways. This is all stemming from feeling really depressed on Saturday after the memorial service. I get that, but even though I realised what brought out these feelings again doesn't mean I can just make them go away. (wish I could.)
To make things that much worse I found out on Tuesday morning that my congregation is entering a Needs Assesment. Why don't I just quit now? They can't afford all of the staff that they have. And I know that they are going to cut back on my position. It fucking sucks! well I don't know that for sure, I won't know for 6 months. I feel so stupid, how could I possibley think that I would be able to stay in this youth ministry position at First for a good amount of time and then leave it for another person to come into it? Obviously I havent' accomplished enough in the congregation. Why do I even bother? What is the point of trying to get youth to come to a meeting and then when they don't show up, I have to let people know that no one came. There were 7 youth at church on Sunday and it probably looked like there isn't anything for them because I don't have the calendar printed yet. And there was only 1 child there, most of our regular families were off skiing. This kind of thing is not helping.
I realise that moving to White Rock was me needing to get out of Dad's house and not live in Abbotsford anymore. but at the same time I focused on White Rock when finding a condo because I work for the church out here. And now in a few months I could find myself living 4 blocks away from a church that can't afford to employ me and that essentially doesn't want me around. What did I do to deserve this?
All that and I'm starting a theology course today. A course that I'm taking as my study leave this year for my position at the church. This is so not encouraging. Why the hell should I be bothering to take continuing education for a position that doesn't even want me.
I realise that I'm taking all of this personally and that I shouldn't be. It's not about me its about the budget of the church. I was the last staff person they hired 3.5 years ago. I feel like it's because of me that their budget is in a deficit.
Not to mention that yesturday I realised that we screwed up our shipping of our RFP in that we only sent 3 hard copies (3- 2" binders) in the package with the courier and we were now being requested to send 4. Fuck. What if they don't like the fact that the binders are arriving in different packages? This could be the deciding factor that we don't get the grant, if there was other really good RFPs that arrived all in the same package.
So basically 3-6 months from now, I could be working a total of 8 hours a week in Abbotsford. While I live in my White Rock condo and I'll need to figure out a way to pay my mortgage and other bills. How the fuck is this fair? Why is God letting all this shit happen to me? I'm totally worthless.
Labels: days from hell
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 4:56 AM
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