Such a shitty day
Today was not a very good day. I've been so tired and feeling weak all day.
The holidays have taken a lot out of me and continue to do so. Memories of mom and being reminded of the never-ending pain of life without her have drained me of most of the life within me. Being treated as though I am the baby of the family still continues in some ways even though I have a 19 month old neice. Seeing my sisters mother-in-law interact with her sons and my sister really affected me. I don't like that all of them (including my sister) refer to her as "mommy". That womyn has never been patronizing to me, like other womyn who are much older than me have. But at the same time she sees me only as Ruth's sister. She makes rude comments about my sister all the time and about her house. And I hate the fact that it seems like she and her husband just show up at Ruth's house whenever the fuck they feel like it. This means that pretty much whenever I go over to visit they just happen to be there as well. That has been happening since they lived in Calgary and I would go to visit about once a year.
Dad has just been a total pain in the ass today. Making stupid comments about what mail I recieved at his house. And not to mention getting upset and making me feel like a complete idiot because I forgot the tin of tarts that I had packed up from his freezer last night. He baked the tarts at the beginning of December some time, didn't tell me they were there and put them in the freezer. Not so bad if he had actually put them in tupperware or covered them before they went in the freezer, but no he just put the whole fucking cookie sheet in the freezer with the tarts on them! What the hell? So the tarts are rejected. He is a difficult man to care about.
Work was so completely frustrating. I can't even begin.
And I've had a headache all fucking day. It probably doesn't help that all I've eaten is a mocha, a latte, 2 suckers, some chips, a banana and some cashews. At best that might be 900 calories. Real food might have made a difference but in remembering the stomach pain I felt for the past 3 days after eating what other people were eating so I felt like I was fitting in, I can't make myself eat.
One of the youth who I worked with in Abbotsford just lost her dad to cancer. I've stayed in touch with her through msn and chatted with her last night about it. I feel so bad for her. Especially since I can't take away the pain I know she is feeling and because I know that no one in the world will ever be able to understand exactly how she's feeling (including me).
I hope tomorrow isn't as bad as today was.
The holidays have taken a lot out of me and continue to do so. Memories of mom and being reminded of the never-ending pain of life without her have drained me of most of the life within me. Being treated as though I am the baby of the family still continues in some ways even though I have a 19 month old neice. Seeing my sisters mother-in-law interact with her sons and my sister really affected me. I don't like that all of them (including my sister) refer to her as "mommy". That womyn has never been patronizing to me, like other womyn who are much older than me have. But at the same time she sees me only as Ruth's sister. She makes rude comments about my sister all the time and about her house. And I hate the fact that it seems like she and her husband just show up at Ruth's house whenever the fuck they feel like it. This means that pretty much whenever I go over to visit they just happen to be there as well. That has been happening since they lived in Calgary and I would go to visit about once a year.
Dad has just been a total pain in the ass today. Making stupid comments about what mail I recieved at his house. And not to mention getting upset and making me feel like a complete idiot because I forgot the tin of tarts that I had packed up from his freezer last night. He baked the tarts at the beginning of December some time, didn't tell me they were there and put them in the freezer. Not so bad if he had actually put them in tupperware or covered them before they went in the freezer, but no he just put the whole fucking cookie sheet in the freezer with the tarts on them! What the hell? So the tarts are rejected. He is a difficult man to care about.
Work was so completely frustrating. I can't even begin.
And I've had a headache all fucking day. It probably doesn't help that all I've eaten is a mocha, a latte, 2 suckers, some chips, a banana and some cashews. At best that might be 900 calories. Real food might have made a difference but in remembering the stomach pain I felt for the past 3 days after eating what other people were eating so I felt like I was fitting in, I can't make myself eat.
One of the youth who I worked with in Abbotsford just lost her dad to cancer. I've stayed in touch with her through msn and chatted with her last night about it. I feel so bad for her. Especially since I can't take away the pain I know she is feeling and because I know that no one in the world will ever be able to understand exactly how she's feeling (including me).
I hope tomorrow isn't as bad as today was.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:30 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home