I Caught the Lifesaver, But Now What?

Since my last post things have been chaotic and rocky. 2 weeks ago I was feeling very depressed and really not seeing much point in anything or life in general. A couple of my friends were getting concerned. They threw me a lifesaver. They felt the best way to help was to take control of my life and let me know that they cared enough to do something. So one of them called my colleague who convinced me that I should take some time off work. These were very difficult conversations to have.

I've been on leave for 1.5 weeks, and will be off for another 2.5 weeks. My doctor thinks this is a good idea as well as my counsellor (so please realise that I am getting professional help and this blog is a reflection of what I am experiencing, while receiving that help). I've been doing more thinking and feeling about my grief and have begun to realise that I don't have much self-worth for myself. I feel that I have very little confidence in my self, that I can't do anything right, and that I can't trust anyone. I am trying to gain a sense of why I am important so that living and being won't be so challenging to me. For me this is really hard to do.

I cry everyday. Some days I'm sad because I miss my mom and other days just about anything can upset me. When I am sad, it taps into that really old hurt that I have within me. I hurt constantly and it feels as though it will never go away. Although that is what everyone tells me, that it will go away, that I am strong and will over come this. All I can do right now is try to hear what they are saying as I don't believe it.

I have prayed to God and I have others pray for me that God will give me the strength to live through this and that God's healing powers will surround me.