Christmas Almost Drowned Me

When I was beginning to feel like I was letting go of mom, and that I was moving through my grief, a huge wave of sorrow and pain crashed into me and knocked me on my ass, again. I hurt. Christmas was a huge challenge. I missed her. I missed not having memories of her at Christmas and how she did things at Christmas (like how she would cook the turkey and the potatoes). It seems that this is something that everyone else is able to recall.

Dad put up her Christmas tree and began taking out all of her decorations. I was so sick, I physically couldn't help with the decorations. I really didn't want them up in the first place. I cried so much, I through things in my room, I wanted to break things around the house that were here when she was still alive, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in this dying womb. A house that has not had any change since she died 20 years ago. It is suffocating me. The place is toxic. But moving out is a huge challenge, I don't know if I can go through with it. Everyone else thinks that I can, but they also think other things that I don't believe.