Sinking Beyond the Pit of my Soul

Every once in a while my depression really hits me hard. Tonight, was one of those times. I was having a conversation with someone about another person and how they cause harm to themselves, they cut themselves. I don't like to admit this to anyone and I try really hard to keep it covered up, but I scratch and cut myself. I should clarify, I only do this to myself when I am traveling on water (in a boat/ferry) or when I am extremely frightened (usually near water). None the less it is something that I am facing. I tried to write a post about this but I just couldn't work up the courage to finish it and post it.

During my conversation tonight I realised how much people judge "cutters". This other person was diassociating from the other. I can only think what they would think of me if they knew the truth about me. I hate being judged! So if anyone reading this post is thinking, "Oh, I can't believe she does that to herself," or "how can she do that?" or "she must be really crazy" or "she's scary" etc. please keep your negative comments to yourself, I already assume that you think that way.

I guess I should mention that I do have support while I work on my fears and stuff. Tonight, I feel like I have sunk beyond the pit of my soul.

About the Womyn

I should start my introduction by letting you know that I am completely afraid of deep water. As in lakes, oceans, rivers, seas, pools, etc. But not including water in a glass or in a bath tub, just large bodies of water.

I am trying to figure out a lot of things about me, trying to discover reasons for the why I live my life the way I do and why I have so many fears. All this seems to add up to me being in troubled waters, where I don't feel like I have control, where I don't know what's going on, and where I feel like I am sinking or drowning (which coincidentally are really big fears of mine).

One of the hardest things that I have to remember while I'm in these troubled waters is that I'm not alone. I believe in God and therefore know that I am not alone. I do have supportive people who listen to me when I need them. But most of the time I forget that all this surrounds me. It is hard to trust anyone and anything when I am not sure where I am admist the trouble.