My Troubled, Ugly, Fat, Scared Body is Still Sinking Deeper

I hate my body. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I have scars. I am so fat, I always have been, my whole life. I have however trained myself over the years to not eat, if I do not feel hungry and have often counted callories to see how much I had eaten that day. Well I have not been hungry in a very long time. I have to force feed myself to eat anything these days. I get scared every time I go to a doctor's appointment because she weighs me. In the first two weeks I was off work, I lost 6 pounds, over the past 7 weeks I've lost about 15 pounds. (I am still at least 10 pounds over the minimum wieght for my height. Not that I'm watching my weight carefuly or anything...just weighing myself at least once a day...) I don't think my body looks any different, in fact I think that there is not much difference in the size of my friends and my size, they keep trying to tell me different, I just don't see it. I don't like the weight that I'm at right now and I don't care if/want to keep losing weight.

When I eat, my stomach hurts, I shouldn't eat as much as I do. I feel sick and guilty when I have eaten too much, and all I can think of is I don't want this food in me. I think this has become an obsession through out my life, the only difference now is that I have given it more control and people are noticing. This is all so embarrassing. I have been told that this is a way that I am trying to control my life because I can't control how I'm feeling, and I don't have control over so much of what happens in my life (mom's death, what people do at work, Christmas, etc).

It is really hard for me to label and admit what this is, even though others have told me (including my counsellor). This is scary. I wish someone would just tell me, "actually you don't have a problem". Somehow I don't think that is going to happen.

I would rather not have to deal with any of this, I wish it would all just go away and end.