What if his life boat has a hole in it?

I had some really good days over the weekend. I even enjoyed mother's day at church and I talked about my niece and my mom during the worship service, with joy.

But tonight I'm so scared. My dad is being tested for colon cancer tomorrow morning. I was doing ok with this for the past week and a half and then all of a sudden it hit me again tonight. All of the worry. The worry that he might have cancer again, that I might lose my other parent to cancer. I am praying so hard that he won't have colon cancer, that unlike his sister his test will be clear. What if his test results show cancer? What if he has to have surgery? What if he has to go through chemo? What if he has to have radiation again? What if he dies. I know that he will die someday, I just don't want it to happen in the near future. I feel so alone in this space of worry, even though I've chatted with a couple of friends online during this posting and I have plans set up with a friend tomorrow afternoon. And during his procedure I'm working, we'll see how that goes.

I was just beginning to feel like I had overcome so much. I hadn't had a bad day in over a week. I made it through a whole weekend at my sister's house and enjoyed some of my time with the baby. And now I feel like I'm falling apart again.

Plus I got news this evening that a person from the church had been taken to hospital tonight. She had heart surgery a few weeks ago. I have no idea what is wrong if it's serious or not. I'm hoping that there won't be 3 things go wrong in 24 hours though. I know I'm being completely pessimistic but worry has taken me over tonight.

I guess it doesn't helped that I worked an 11 hour day today, with 3 meetings spread through out. I'm going to rest, read my book, wrap up in my fleece blanket, hug Elly and try to get some sleep. Knowing that I have a plan to take care of myself doesn't seem to make me feel much better, but I know that it's supposed to in the long run. I just feel shitty right now.

Moving through the troubled waters; with some friends and on my own

Right now I'm looking forward to going to work tomorow. I can't believe that I feel this way and that I'm wanting to go to work in my office tomorow, I'm not leading any programs or have any meetings, just work and coffee break with the other staff. I am a little stressed that I have lots to do and don't know where to begin, and I know that has affected my behaviour tonight, not like it did before, but I've had a bad night with food. In fact I feel awful and guilty about what I've eaten today and tonight. I really pigged out and look so fat, I can't even bare the thought of what my weight is right now. I won't let myself get on the scale because I would feel even worse and start crying. Depending on your definition of binge, I guess I binged on food tonight. My doctor and I agree that this is a relative term depending on the person.

I seriously think my body is deformed. And this is not just my "distorted" body image crap. I mean, I was in yoga and I'm supposed to be able to have the small of my back on the floor while lowering my legs to the floor. I can't do that! My back curves, I know that this is probably because of my bad posture and that I don't sit up straight. But I feel so defeated when I can't do this in yoga or pilates. Like when Forest Gump describes his back as being crooked like a question mark. Although I don't think my back looks quite like that, it's the image that comes to mind.

Here's somethign I've been pondering for a while...

I don't understand why some people when they're trying to be supportive and helpful, they really just continuously trigger old shit in my life. I have always had trouble trusting people, especially adult role models. I've learned that this is connected to mom dying on me at such an early age -makes sense, right? So why then, do individuals who know my life history go and do the exact same thing. Not physically dying on me, but telling me that I can trust them, buliding a family type relationship, calling me family and treating me as one of their own children and then cutting me off. Breaking every promise, every planned time together, every phone call, and not returning any emails or calls. One person in particular has done all of this to me. And it has really hurt me. They have been there for so many of my milestones since I was a teenager and siad they would walk this journey with me too, and now they ignore me. Other than reading an email and not replying or talking about me with other people. They don't have time for me. They don't have energy for putting up with me. No wonder Iwas so scared to tell any of my friends or family or colleagues why I needed to take time off work. I was scared that this would happen. I have strived to develop consistancy in my inconsitant life, but it seems like other people fuck this up and that's beyond my control. What good is it to set someone up and then drop them? In my opinion this just causes a person more pain then they are already in. That has been my experience. In fact it makes me feel really screwed up. Like I'm so fucked up that I'm too fucked up for them to stand by me in my recovery journey.

Moving through the troubled waters; with some friends and on my own

Right now I'm looking forward to going to work tomorow. I can't believe that I feel this way and that I'm wanting to go to work in my office tomorow, I'm not leading any programs or have any meetings, just work and coffee break with the other staff. I am a little stressed that I have lots to do and don't know where to begin, and I know that has affected my behaviour tonight, not like it did before, but I've had a bad night with food. In fact I feel awful and guilty about what I've eaten today and tonight. I really pigged out and look so fat, I can't even bare the thought of what my weight is right now. I won't let myself get on the scale because I would feel even worse and start crying. Depending on your definition of binge, I guess I binged on food tonight. My doctor and I agree that this is a relative term depending on the person.

I seriously think my body is deformed. And this is not just my "distorted" body image crap. I mean, I was in yoga and I'm supposed to be able to have the small of my back on the floor while lowering my legs to the floor. I can't do that! My back curves, I know that this is probably because of my bad posture and that I don't sit up straight. But I feel so defeated when I can't do this in yoga or pilates. Like when Forest Gump describes his back as being crooked like a question mark. Although I don't think my back looks quite like that, it's the image that comes to mind.

Here's somethign I've been pondering for a while...

I don't understand why some people when they're trying to be supportive and helpful, they really just continuously trigger old shit in my life. I have always had trouble trusting people, especially adult role models. I've learned that this is connected to mom dying on me at such an early age -makes sense, right? So why then, do individuals who know my life history go and do the exact same thing. Not physically dying on me, but telling me that I can trust them, buliding a family type relationship, calling me family and treating me as one of their own children and then cutting me off. Breaking every promise, every planned time together, every phone call, and not returning any emails or calls. One person in particular has done all of this to me. And it has really hurt me. They have been there for so many of my milestones since I was a teenager and siad they would walk this journey with me too, and now they ignore me. Other than reading an email and not replying or talking about me with other people. They don't have time for me. They don't have energy for putting up with me. No wonder Iwas so scared to tell any of my friends or family or colleagues why I needed to take time off work. I was scared that this would happen. I have strived to develop consistancy in my inconsitant life, but it seems like other people fuck this up and that's beyond my control. What good is it to set someone up and then drop them? In my opinion this just causes a person more pain then they are already in. That has been my experience. In fact it makes me feel really screwed up. Like I'm so fucked up that I'm too fucked up for them to stand by me in my recovery journey.