What if his life boat has a hole in it?

I had some really good days over the weekend. I even enjoyed mother's day at church and I talked about my niece and my mom during the worship service, with joy.

But tonight I'm so scared. My dad is being tested for colon cancer tomorrow morning. I was doing ok with this for the past week and a half and then all of a sudden it hit me again tonight. All of the worry. The worry that he might have cancer again, that I might lose my other parent to cancer. I am praying so hard that he won't have colon cancer, that unlike his sister his test will be clear. What if his test results show cancer? What if he has to have surgery? What if he has to go through chemo? What if he has to have radiation again? What if he dies. I know that he will die someday, I just don't want it to happen in the near future. I feel so alone in this space of worry, even though I've chatted with a couple of friends online during this posting and I have plans set up with a friend tomorrow afternoon. And during his procedure I'm working, we'll see how that goes.

I was just beginning to feel like I had overcome so much. I hadn't had a bad day in over a week. I made it through a whole weekend at my sister's house and enjoyed some of my time with the baby. And now I feel like I'm falling apart again.

Plus I got news this evening that a person from the church had been taken to hospital tonight. She had heart surgery a few weeks ago. I have no idea what is wrong if it's serious or not. I'm hoping that there won't be 3 things go wrong in 24 hours though. I know I'm being completely pessimistic but worry has taken me over tonight.

I guess it doesn't helped that I worked an 11 hour day today, with 3 meetings spread through out. I'm going to rest, read my book, wrap up in my fleece blanket, hug Elly and try to get some sleep. Knowing that I have a plan to take care of myself doesn't seem to make me feel much better, but I know that it's supposed to in the long run. I just feel shitty right now.