It all comes back to one thing...

Everything gets related back to her death and my reaction.

Megan told me that she is not going to continue her contract after the middle of May and depending on the job descriptions for the fall, will not be working with our program then either. She's leaving me. It wasn't until tonight that I realised that this stirs up everything with mom leaving me unexpectedly or beyond my control.

I hate that I can't control when people decide to change where they are. Realistically I shouldn't have control over anyone but myself. And yet it pisses me off when I get affected by other people's lives. Or is it just that I'm letting it affect me? And I shouldn't let it?

Because I'm mad at mom for dying on me and I'm kind of mad at Megan for leaving work, I take it out on my body (says my counsellor). Maybe she's right. But I don't quite believe it. I don't eat because I'm not hungry, not because I'm mad at mom. I am mad at my body because I don't like the way it looks and I hate being fat. How could I possibley be taking this out on my body? I don't get it.