The "A" Word
Earlier this week I went about 42 hours without any food, other then water. I didn't faint, thank God, even though I had been in my first ever hour long yoga class. Friends and family are trying to encourage me to eat, I'm not sure if this really works. My Dad brought home chocolate chip cookies from the bakery yesturday and said "oh ya, make sure you try those, I know they're the ones that you like," when I was in the kitchen. I didn't want to upset him or make him mad so I forced myself to eat one.
I find it difficult to get angry towards other people. I'm so scared that if I do they will be pissed off with me and that something awful will happen (lose a friend, they leave me, or hurt me). This is really hard to deal with because when I do feel angry, I get angry at myself more then anything. I feel so confused. And frustrated that I can't control it and that I assume things about other people (like the way they may react to something).
I know that this is connected with being left at such an early age by my mom. I was angry at her for being sick all the time, and the few times I remember her being mad at me for things. She died on me and I'm still angry at her. Logically it would seem like this would be able to seperate out from stuff with friends (or the living in general), but nothing is logical when it comes to emotional awareness.
At times I become anxious and paraniod over this. And when I'm really anxious I tend to hurt myself in someway. -It's a pattern that I'm beginning to notice. Not a great way of handling things, but its what I do right now and it is hard to try to change that when the grief feelings are still there to be continuosly worked out. I've been told that things will get better. That when I'm ready to change it will happen, that grief can take a long time to work through and that it's not easy (I totallly agree). In the meantime things are a little twisted in my mind at times, mostly around my body image, not feeling hungry and therefore not wanting to eat. Even that can be challenging to control some times.
I find it difficult to get angry towards other people. I'm so scared that if I do they will be pissed off with me and that something awful will happen (lose a friend, they leave me, or hurt me). This is really hard to deal with because when I do feel angry, I get angry at myself more then anything. I feel so confused. And frustrated that I can't control it and that I assume things about other people (like the way they may react to something).
I know that this is connected with being left at such an early age by my mom. I was angry at her for being sick all the time, and the few times I remember her being mad at me for things. She died on me and I'm still angry at her. Logically it would seem like this would be able to seperate out from stuff with friends (or the living in general), but nothing is logical when it comes to emotional awareness.
At times I become anxious and paraniod over this. And when I'm really anxious I tend to hurt myself in someway. -It's a pattern that I'm beginning to notice. Not a great way of handling things, but its what I do right now and it is hard to try to change that when the grief feelings are still there to be continuosly worked out. I've been told that things will get better. That when I'm ready to change it will happen, that grief can take a long time to work through and that it's not easy (I totallly agree). In the meantime things are a little twisted in my mind at times, mostly around my body image, not feeling hungry and therefore not wanting to eat. Even that can be challenging to control some times.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 1:02 AM
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