A Troubled Day
Today was a bad day. Leading up today I've been feeling like I can't trust anyone and was beginning to think that I couldn't trust myself. And that I can't depend on myself to make good decisions for me either.
I was taking a bath and decided to shave my legs, this isn't something that I do every day or even every week in the winter -so it had been a while. This meant putting a razor in my hand. I thought nothing of it until I realised after shaving both of my legs that I had a few nicks. Which any womyn, especially one who wears glasses, will tell you is bound to happen once in a while. But I had cut my ankle, there was blood floating in the water near it. I lifted it out onto the side of the tub and started to cry as I watched it bleed. I hadn't even noticed that I had cut myself. When I was drying off and getting dressed, I realised that there were several small cuts in the same area of my ankle. This was not a small nick.
I can't believe I did it. I hadn't hurt myself like that (or scratched) since the middle of November. Almost 2 months. I thought I was over that. I was told I need to remember to be careful and gentle with myself. I think that I may need to switch to a different method of hair removal, sounds cheezy, but if I want to avoid this temptation that my mind obviously gets then I should get rid of my razor. It doesn't seem like a safe thing to have around me right now.
Last week I had one of hte most difficult conversations with my doctor. I told her that I have a problem with food, that I don't feel hungry ever and if I'm not hungry then I can't eat. I can't feed myself. She began to tell me how important nutrition is and then stopped and said "but you don't really want to hear a lecture, you probably just want me to feed you." She's right. And she understood when I told her that I didn't think I would want to take the supplement shakes/drinks because I would know that those are "food" and whenever I eat I gag or feel like I will gag. This happens with pills sometimes too. So she is making me take nutrient supplements that are pills and vitamins D and B12. Her nurse congradulated me that day for not gaining any weight over Christmas, I don't think she happened to notice that I had actually lost another 2 pounds during that time. (Which I was really excited about!)
I'm going to try and work a half day tomorow. I need to try and see if I can manage it or not. That's the only way I'll really know.
I was taking a bath and decided to shave my legs, this isn't something that I do every day or even every week in the winter -so it had been a while. This meant putting a razor in my hand. I thought nothing of it until I realised after shaving both of my legs that I had a few nicks. Which any womyn, especially one who wears glasses, will tell you is bound to happen once in a while. But I had cut my ankle, there was blood floating in the water near it. I lifted it out onto the side of the tub and started to cry as I watched it bleed. I hadn't even noticed that I had cut myself. When I was drying off and getting dressed, I realised that there were several small cuts in the same area of my ankle. This was not a small nick.
I can't believe I did it. I hadn't hurt myself like that (or scratched) since the middle of November. Almost 2 months. I thought I was over that. I was told I need to remember to be careful and gentle with myself. I think that I may need to switch to a different method of hair removal, sounds cheezy, but if I want to avoid this temptation that my mind obviously gets then I should get rid of my razor. It doesn't seem like a safe thing to have around me right now.
Last week I had one of hte most difficult conversations with my doctor. I told her that I have a problem with food, that I don't feel hungry ever and if I'm not hungry then I can't eat. I can't feed myself. She began to tell me how important nutrition is and then stopped and said "but you don't really want to hear a lecture, you probably just want me to feed you." She's right. And she understood when I told her that I didn't think I would want to take the supplement shakes/drinks because I would know that those are "food" and whenever I eat I gag or feel like I will gag. This happens with pills sometimes too. So she is making me take nutrient supplements that are pills and vitamins D and B12. Her nurse congradulated me that day for not gaining any weight over Christmas, I don't think she happened to notice that I had actually lost another 2 pounds during that time. (Which I was really excited about!)
I'm going to try and work a half day tomorow. I need to try and see if I can manage it or not. That's the only way I'll really know.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:05 PM
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