What's love got to do with it?
Just because my body is something my mom gave me doesn't mean I have to like or love it. And I know full well that not giving my body nutrition will not bring back my mom and I don't even think that's what I've been trying to do. But if it has nothing to do with it why is it making me cry as I type this?
I don't love my body - I don't love myself. Those words are hard for me to admit, and yet they are true for me. I have always thought of myself as fat, my whole life, for as long as I can remember. When I was in grade 1 I wore size 14 girls and when I graduated from highschool I was just over 140 lbs. I know logically that these are within the average range for real womyn in north america today. I hated being called fat when I was in school and it always felt like other people would be noticed for their looks and appreciated before I would be. I felt like I was never noticed, today it was pointed out to me that that was probably not entirely the case but rather that's what I preceived.
I don't love myself - I won't let anyone love me. I can't seem to understand how anyone would want to love me. (Oh man, I just re-read that sentence, am I ever a low self-esteem person!) Maybe I do stop people from loving me, I don't know. I wonder if this is partly why I find it so hard to trust God all the time, 24/7, no questions asked? Even though that's something that I hear or read everyday and that I've had engrained in my being since I was born. Assumabley I was baptised as a baby out of love by my parents, family, and church family, recognizing me as the child of God that I was born as in my faith community.
Today I was sitting on the beach (it was 17 degrees outside) reading my book and saw a womyn in a bikini posing for a photographer. Ok, yes it was sunny, but there was a very cool breeze comming off of the water. My first reaction was, she must be freezing her butt off! Then I thought, I will never look like her, she is skinny compared to me. As the photo shoot went on she had to stand in the water...fuck! I was sitting at least 20 feet from the edge of the water, closer to a paved path then to the actual water. But I could tell how unpredictable the water was from where I was sitting. Once she was standing in the water, I got up and left. I was getting totally freaked out by my thoughts of her being swallowed up by the water, drowning, drifting away, becoming lost from her friends, dying in the water.
I guess that's how I've felt at times in my troubled waters; being swallowed up, drowning, drifting away, becoming lost, dying in the water.
So is up to me to calm these waters? Or will God calm them, if I let God?
I don't love my body - I don't love myself. Those words are hard for me to admit, and yet they are true for me. I have always thought of myself as fat, my whole life, for as long as I can remember. When I was in grade 1 I wore size 14 girls and when I graduated from highschool I was just over 140 lbs. I know logically that these are within the average range for real womyn in north america today. I hated being called fat when I was in school and it always felt like other people would be noticed for their looks and appreciated before I would be. I felt like I was never noticed, today it was pointed out to me that that was probably not entirely the case but rather that's what I preceived.
I don't love myself - I won't let anyone love me. I can't seem to understand how anyone would want to love me. (Oh man, I just re-read that sentence, am I ever a low self-esteem person!) Maybe I do stop people from loving me, I don't know. I wonder if this is partly why I find it so hard to trust God all the time, 24/7, no questions asked? Even though that's something that I hear or read everyday and that I've had engrained in my being since I was born. Assumabley I was baptised as a baby out of love by my parents, family, and church family, recognizing me as the child of God that I was born as in my faith community.
Today I was sitting on the beach (it was 17 degrees outside) reading my book and saw a womyn in a bikini posing for a photographer. Ok, yes it was sunny, but there was a very cool breeze comming off of the water. My first reaction was, she must be freezing her butt off! Then I thought, I will never look like her, she is skinny compared to me. As the photo shoot went on she had to stand in the water...fuck! I was sitting at least 20 feet from the edge of the water, closer to a paved path then to the actual water. But I could tell how unpredictable the water was from where I was sitting. Once she was standing in the water, I got up and left. I was getting totally freaked out by my thoughts of her being swallowed up by the water, drowning, drifting away, becoming lost from her friends, dying in the water.
I guess that's how I've felt at times in my troubled waters; being swallowed up, drowning, drifting away, becoming lost, dying in the water.
So is up to me to calm these waters? Or will God calm them, if I let God?
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:21 PM
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