The Inner Conflict
I don't usually quote scripture on this page, but I really struggled with how this one applies to me this past week and again in a discussion at church today.
Inner conflict, demon, devil, controlling parent, whatever you want to call it, it makes me feel awful. I realise that the point of the passage is that regardless of what our human conflict is that we face within ourselves that God's grace is upon us through Jesus Christ. And that it is an example of the change from the old way to the new way as described by Paul. But for me this really pulls on the inner conflict that I know I am experiencing for a long time. I understand that not eating enough is bad for any human being and that it hurts me. I just don't get it. I don't get why I need to change or think about changing my eating habbits or behaviour or thoughts about food. It all seems to be working alright for me. And in a sense this scripture gives me permission to treat my body in a poor or sinful way because I am forgiven. It's so confusing, I even confuse my self because I know that this isn't a good way to interpret this scripture. I had already acknowleged that there is a part of me that is "a contrlling parent" or a demon that I allow to dictate my eating. I'm not strong enough to stand up to this. And it always shakes it's finger at me, blaming me, shaming me, for everything that I do, everything that I eat and whatever I weigh.
And strangers just add to the confusion when I have experiences like this...
Today I found myself in a bathing suit store. oh it was awful. when i walked in the sales womyn cornered me and had me trying things on...arrrgh. she must have been bored. i told her i was just looking and then she started asking questions like what kind of bathing suit was the one you bought last, and I told a one piece that was a size 10...she couldn't believe it (I thought O God, here we go). Then I tried some on...feeling completely self-consious and she had to get me a different size and then she makes a comment like, oh you're so lucky you're so petite and thin that they all look good on you. I thanked her. How great was that! she totally complemented me on my size! When I looked in the mirror though I knew that she wasn't really telling the truth and that I'm fat and that I need to loose more weight. My legs just looked huge and my stomach and my back. I didn't want to disagree with her so I gratefully accepted her compliment.
Her encouragement fed the controlling parent in me. Even though I ate a sandwich for dinner, I know I shouldn't have. But before that I had only taken in 490 calories today. I'm scared to get on the scale because I know that I've gained at least 1.5 pounds today. This morning I felt so good because I had lost 3 pounds since last week, and now there's that overpowering part of me saying that I screwed up royally today because I ate so much for dinner (even though logically I know I still had less than 1000 calories today).
Has the water become soemthing that is controlling me? Before I felt like I had no control over it and it represented everything that I couldn't control and it freaked me out. Is this inner parent like the water, taking control of me? It feels a lot more powerful then I really am. I don't even think I can ever shut the "parent " out.
The Inner Coflict
14 For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. 15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. 17 But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. 21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, 23 but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans: 7: 14-25)
14 For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. 15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. 17 But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. 21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, 23 but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans: 7: 14-25)
Inner conflict, demon, devil, controlling parent, whatever you want to call it, it makes me feel awful. I realise that the point of the passage is that regardless of what our human conflict is that we face within ourselves that God's grace is upon us through Jesus Christ. And that it is an example of the change from the old way to the new way as described by Paul. But for me this really pulls on the inner conflict that I know I am experiencing for a long time. I understand that not eating enough is bad for any human being and that it hurts me. I just don't get it. I don't get why I need to change or think about changing my eating habbits or behaviour or thoughts about food. It all seems to be working alright for me. And in a sense this scripture gives me permission to treat my body in a poor or sinful way because I am forgiven. It's so confusing, I even confuse my self because I know that this isn't a good way to interpret this scripture. I had already acknowleged that there is a part of me that is "a contrlling parent" or a demon that I allow to dictate my eating. I'm not strong enough to stand up to this. And it always shakes it's finger at me, blaming me, shaming me, for everything that I do, everything that I eat and whatever I weigh.
And strangers just add to the confusion when I have experiences like this...
Today I found myself in a bathing suit store. oh it was awful. when i walked in the sales womyn cornered me and had me trying things on...arrrgh. she must have been bored. i told her i was just looking and then she started asking questions like what kind of bathing suit was the one you bought last, and I told a one piece that was a size 10...she couldn't believe it (I thought O God, here we go). Then I tried some on...feeling completely self-consious and she had to get me a different size and then she makes a comment like, oh you're so lucky you're so petite and thin that they all look good on you. I thanked her. How great was that! she totally complemented me on my size! When I looked in the mirror though I knew that she wasn't really telling the truth and that I'm fat and that I need to loose more weight. My legs just looked huge and my stomach and my back. I didn't want to disagree with her so I gratefully accepted her compliment.
Her encouragement fed the controlling parent in me. Even though I ate a sandwich for dinner, I know I shouldn't have. But before that I had only taken in 490 calories today. I'm scared to get on the scale because I know that I've gained at least 1.5 pounds today. This morning I felt so good because I had lost 3 pounds since last week, and now there's that overpowering part of me saying that I screwed up royally today because I ate so much for dinner (even though logically I know I still had less than 1000 calories today).
Has the water become soemthing that is controlling me? Before I felt like I had no control over it and it represented everything that I couldn't control and it freaked me out. Is this inner parent like the water, taking control of me? It feels a lot more powerful then I really am. I don't even think I can ever shut the "parent " out.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:50 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home