Patterns in the Water
Unless a change is made people will continue to follow their same old patterns. This blog is filled with my patterns, reading back on my previous entries I can tell that change is difficult to move through. And patterns of family communication (or lack there of), grief, life, death, eating (or lace there of), depression and self-harm are more or less controlling my life.
The Samaritan womyn at the well drew water daily using the same jug, even if it had a crack in it. Many people in the world are continuing to drink dirty and contaminated water because that's all they access to or that's all we allow them to have access to. Because of our patterns in the developed world, keeping our wealth to ourselves and focusing on keeping the developing world in debt, they will never be able to change. Unless somewhere, somehow they find the strength to stand up to the powers, which rule the developed world. I can't believe that it was 3 years ago that the US invaded Iraq. Has this really accomplished what the people in the western world wanted? Or those in the middle-eastern world?
I heard a story today in the sermon at church of a man whom years ago decided to change the pattern in his family. He didn't want to keep drinking the contaminated water, or need to carry the water in the cracked jug like the others before him had. There was a 4 generation history of suicide in his family, with the most recent being one of his nephews and going all the way back to his great-grandfather. He decided when he reached the age that his father committed suicide at that he didn't want to deal with his depression in the same way. He wanted to change the system, change the pattern of his family. And his reason for doing so was his daughters. He must have ultimately found value in his decision for himself as well, but what started him on his healing journey was the understanding and feeling of what could happen to his daughters if he took his own life.
This week I realized that my entire family is really bad at communicating. Ok, well, I actually already knew that, but there was another example. My aunt has cancer, she found out last May and had sugary and treatment for bowel cancer at that time. Including 5 months of Chemo. On March 15th, my dad got a phone call from my uncle to tell him that she had sugary on her kidney because there was cancer found there. They didn't want to tell my dad before the surgery was done because they didn't want him to worry, so my aunt made my uncle not call call dad before. Piss me off! I am so fuckin' worried about my aunt. It's so not a good sign that the cancer spread to her kidney. I don't want her to die, she is really the only womyn left in that generation of my family who knows anything about me and my mom. So they keep stuff from my dad and then he freaks out, gets angry, because he doesn't show that he's sad or upset and I have to live in the house that holds his anger and frustration.
I know that I've done the same thing as my aunt. I haven't told dad about my depression, that I'm still grieving the loss of mom, that there are reasons that I'm discovering around why I don't eat, and that I think he has tried to avoid everything to do with his grief and mom. Not to mention that I don't like the fact that he isn't visiting his mother more often now that it has become obvious to her nursing staff that she is slowly dying in front of their eyes. Piss me off, he has the privilege of being 70 and still having his mom alive, and he doesn't hardly acknowledge that she's still here. I get that there is a pattern, my sister figured that out too like 10 years ago. She says that even though she was encouraged to tell stuff to dad, she didn't because he's old. And I agree with her. But I kind of wonder how will the pattern change since we both see the pattern but we aren't changing it with dad, we've only changed it with each other. Will it be good enough that it's different for future generations? Will that stop the problems with food and depression and avoidance?
I try so hard to control my weight and I'm getting pretty good at it. When I realize that I've gained 3 pounds, I know how I can loose those pounds based on what I eat. This morning when I got on the scale I had lost 2 pounds, it was such a great feeling! (I know that it made for the start of a good day.) I'm still not where I was 3 weeks ago, a couple of pounds to go. I can't bring myself to stop the eating pattern that I have. I'm just not thin enough to do so. It makes me sad to write that and to know that's how I feel. Because I know that logically it doesn't make any sense. And that my friends probably have a better understanding of what I look like and my size really is than I do.
The Samaritan womyn at the well changed her pattern after her conversation with Jesus. During which he told her of the living water which he could provide her with so that she would never be thirsty again. I am trying to strengthen my confidence in Christ, to trust that with Christ I don't need to follow my coping patterns but that is really hard to do. It's my struggle. But I know that it is also what is keeping me from drowning while I sink in these troubled waters.
The Samaritan womyn at the well drew water daily using the same jug, even if it had a crack in it. Many people in the world are continuing to drink dirty and contaminated water because that's all they access to or that's all we allow them to have access to. Because of our patterns in the developed world, keeping our wealth to ourselves and focusing on keeping the developing world in debt, they will never be able to change. Unless somewhere, somehow they find the strength to stand up to the powers, which rule the developed world. I can't believe that it was 3 years ago that the US invaded Iraq. Has this really accomplished what the people in the western world wanted? Or those in the middle-eastern world?
I heard a story today in the sermon at church of a man whom years ago decided to change the pattern in his family. He didn't want to keep drinking the contaminated water, or need to carry the water in the cracked jug like the others before him had. There was a 4 generation history of suicide in his family, with the most recent being one of his nephews and going all the way back to his great-grandfather. He decided when he reached the age that his father committed suicide at that he didn't want to deal with his depression in the same way. He wanted to change the system, change the pattern of his family. And his reason for doing so was his daughters. He must have ultimately found value in his decision for himself as well, but what started him on his healing journey was the understanding and feeling of what could happen to his daughters if he took his own life.
This week I realized that my entire family is really bad at communicating. Ok, well, I actually already knew that, but there was another example. My aunt has cancer, she found out last May and had sugary and treatment for bowel cancer at that time. Including 5 months of Chemo. On March 15th, my dad got a phone call from my uncle to tell him that she had sugary on her kidney because there was cancer found there. They didn't want to tell my dad before the surgery was done because they didn't want him to worry, so my aunt made my uncle not call call dad before. Piss me off! I am so fuckin' worried about my aunt. It's so not a good sign that the cancer spread to her kidney. I don't want her to die, she is really the only womyn left in that generation of my family who knows anything about me and my mom. So they keep stuff from my dad and then he freaks out, gets angry, because he doesn't show that he's sad or upset and I have to live in the house that holds his anger and frustration.
I know that I've done the same thing as my aunt. I haven't told dad about my depression, that I'm still grieving the loss of mom, that there are reasons that I'm discovering around why I don't eat, and that I think he has tried to avoid everything to do with his grief and mom. Not to mention that I don't like the fact that he isn't visiting his mother more often now that it has become obvious to her nursing staff that she is slowly dying in front of their eyes. Piss me off, he has the privilege of being 70 and still having his mom alive, and he doesn't hardly acknowledge that she's still here. I get that there is a pattern, my sister figured that out too like 10 years ago. She says that even though she was encouraged to tell stuff to dad, she didn't because he's old. And I agree with her. But I kind of wonder how will the pattern change since we both see the pattern but we aren't changing it with dad, we've only changed it with each other. Will it be good enough that it's different for future generations? Will that stop the problems with food and depression and avoidance?
I try so hard to control my weight and I'm getting pretty good at it. When I realize that I've gained 3 pounds, I know how I can loose those pounds based on what I eat. This morning when I got on the scale I had lost 2 pounds, it was such a great feeling! (I know that it made for the start of a good day.) I'm still not where I was 3 weeks ago, a couple of pounds to go. I can't bring myself to stop the eating pattern that I have. I'm just not thin enough to do so. It makes me sad to write that and to know that's how I feel. Because I know that logically it doesn't make any sense. And that my friends probably have a better understanding of what I look like and my size really is than I do.
The Samaritan womyn at the well changed her pattern after her conversation with Jesus. During which he told her of the living water which he could provide her with so that she would never be thirsty again. I am trying to strengthen my confidence in Christ, to trust that with Christ I don't need to follow my coping patterns but that is really hard to do. It's my struggle. But I know that it is also what is keeping me from drowning while I sink in these troubled waters.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:51 PM
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