International Womyn's Day
Standing in the waters on this International Womyn's Day I feel like I've let down everyone. I have advocated for womyn in Afganistan today, and spread the word what today is, but I have not been nice to myself. On this day of celebrating the gifts of womyn and strives that we continue to make towards equal rights, I have not treated myself with respect that I give others.
I'm feeling really fat as this day ends. I ate way too much today. And as a result I feel more upset then I was earlier in the day/evening. I gained 1.5 pounds today and pray that they are gone sooner rather then later. And I look so awful because of this.
It seems like people keep dying on me. Logically I know that this has nothing to do with me, people just die for various reasons. But emotionally it feels like they don't want to be in my life anymore, like I did something that made them leave or that I deserve the pain of greif (over and over and over again). My last surviving grandparent, my grandma, is not doing well. She's really old, has live a long 102 year life, and her body is not functioning as well as it used to. She needs more nursing care, basically all day, than what her senior's home is able to provide. I'm feeling sad knowing that she's near the end of her life. We have no idea when she will die or how much longer she has, but it's been obvious to the staff that she's become quite worse since the fall.
I think I was trying to make myself feel better by eating when I was with a friend for dinner, because it was in my face that that was what I was supposed to do. Even though I really just wanted Starbucks. And now I'm stuck with this food in me. That is hurting me, not making me feel better about anything, but making me feel worse. I will never be able to lose the weight that I want to lose, I'm so frustrated. And mad at myself.
I'm feeling really fat as this day ends. I ate way too much today. And as a result I feel more upset then I was earlier in the day/evening. I gained 1.5 pounds today and pray that they are gone sooner rather then later. And I look so awful because of this.
It seems like people keep dying on me. Logically I know that this has nothing to do with me, people just die for various reasons. But emotionally it feels like they don't want to be in my life anymore, like I did something that made them leave or that I deserve the pain of greif (over and over and over again). My last surviving grandparent, my grandma, is not doing well. She's really old, has live a long 102 year life, and her body is not functioning as well as it used to. She needs more nursing care, basically all day, than what her senior's home is able to provide. I'm feeling sad knowing that she's near the end of her life. We have no idea when she will die or how much longer she has, but it's been obvious to the staff that she's become quite worse since the fall.
I think I was trying to make myself feel better by eating when I was with a friend for dinner, because it was in my face that that was what I was supposed to do. Even though I really just wanted Starbucks. And now I'm stuck with this food in me. That is hurting me, not making me feel better about anything, but making me feel worse. I will never be able to lose the weight that I want to lose, I'm so frustrated. And mad at myself.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:56 PM
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