Family Causing Troble in the Waters
Why does everyone insist on changing the definition of family on an ongoing basis? And by this I'm not talking about changing the definition from the traditional (mom, dad and kids) but changing how 'extended' family or good friends of the family are included in a person's family.
Since mom died, I was never from the 'traditional' family. So I've always had to have a mixture of blood relatives and good friends who filled in as members of my caring family, especially those who have skills that some of my immediate family just don't have or use. Growing up a lot of these people were from my church and some of them were my neighbours and friends as I got older. All of them have had various roles over the years and usually these would just change naturally as time went on. But there have been times when it's more of an abrupt change of role. Here today, gone tomorow, whether or not they come out and say it when the shift first occurs or if it is discussed much later after everyone has figured it out on their own.
I'm totally grateful for all of my friends and family, especially those who have stuck by me in whatever capacity they could manage during my experience of these troubled waters. Sometimes it feels likethe waters get even rougher when I have to shift my expectations of people or things just don't work out the way I want them to. I know it's all part of life but it makes life fuckin' hard some days. It makes for my bad days, my sad days, my depresed days, my low engergy days, my feeling like shit and don't even want to put up with anything anymore days.
I cried and screemed tonight. And prayed asking God, where are you in this? Over and over again. Confused. Confused because I don't understand why a Godbearer would treat anyone like this. As I calmed down, I realised that God's grace is in my survival and my use of tools to get through these shitty times. I called a friend, then my counsellor, then my sister and I ate Baskin Robin's Peanut Butter and Chocolate ice cream. And then I cried some more. I'm just sad. I'm trying to remind myself that I do believe that God will not abandon me as I read in 1st Corinthians at bible study this week. I just don't like that God can't make this life any less painful then what it is. Life abundandt my ass...
I know that a few of the people from my church, my colleagues (who are friends of mine) in ministry and key support people (who are committed to this role), are there for me. They have been there for me all along, particularly in the last 4 months. So I'm trying to convince myself that just because I work for the church doesn't mean I can't include some of the people from my church as friends/family/support people. And if that's the case then I'm really wondering what my point in being is. Obviously my congregational members will not hold this role, but my colleagues that I have right now willingly support me and are generally concerned for my well-being. If serving in the church as ministry personell really means that I can't have any of these kinds of people in this role, then I can't work in the church. And yet I know that's where I fit. So if I shouldn't be working there and I can't have those people around me as supporters, then really what would be the point of anything.
I know and understand in my heart somewhat that I can't control the actions of others but it is still really hard for me to not let those actions affect me.
People confuse me. I hurt.
Since mom died, I was never from the 'traditional' family. So I've always had to have a mixture of blood relatives and good friends who filled in as members of my caring family, especially those who have skills that some of my immediate family just don't have or use. Growing up a lot of these people were from my church and some of them were my neighbours and friends as I got older. All of them have had various roles over the years and usually these would just change naturally as time went on. But there have been times when it's more of an abrupt change of role. Here today, gone tomorow, whether or not they come out and say it when the shift first occurs or if it is discussed much later after everyone has figured it out on their own.
I'm totally grateful for all of my friends and family, especially those who have stuck by me in whatever capacity they could manage during my experience of these troubled waters. Sometimes it feels likethe waters get even rougher when I have to shift my expectations of people or things just don't work out the way I want them to. I know it's all part of life but it makes life fuckin' hard some days. It makes for my bad days, my sad days, my depresed days, my low engergy days, my feeling like shit and don't even want to put up with anything anymore days.
I cried and screemed tonight. And prayed asking God, where are you in this? Over and over again. Confused. Confused because I don't understand why a Godbearer would treat anyone like this. As I calmed down, I realised that God's grace is in my survival and my use of tools to get through these shitty times. I called a friend, then my counsellor, then my sister and I ate Baskin Robin's Peanut Butter and Chocolate ice cream. And then I cried some more. I'm just sad. I'm trying to remind myself that I do believe that God will not abandon me as I read in 1st Corinthians at bible study this week. I just don't like that God can't make this life any less painful then what it is. Life abundandt my ass...
I know that a few of the people from my church, my colleagues (who are friends of mine) in ministry and key support people (who are committed to this role), are there for me. They have been there for me all along, particularly in the last 4 months. So I'm trying to convince myself that just because I work for the church doesn't mean I can't include some of the people from my church as friends/family/support people. And if that's the case then I'm really wondering what my point in being is. Obviously my congregational members will not hold this role, but my colleagues that I have right now willingly support me and are generally concerned for my well-being. If serving in the church as ministry personell really means that I can't have any of these kinds of people in this role, then I can't work in the church. And yet I know that's where I fit. So if I shouldn't be working there and I can't have those people around me as supporters, then really what would be the point of anything.
I know and understand in my heart somewhat that I can't control the actions of others but it is still really hard for me to not let those actions affect me.
People confuse me. I hurt.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:11 PM
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