Missing her and Looking fat

I missed my mom today when...

I heard Becky talk of needing to go home after setting up her Sunday School lesson so that she could help her oldest daughter straighten her very curly hair before church (on a rainy day).
I heard Tamara talking with her mom about her upcoming 15th birthday.
I saw Susan and Jane take their 5 year old children's hands and parade with them during the palm prossesional at the beginning of worship.
I walked with Janet has she helped her aged mother to her walker at the edge of the sanctuary.
I saw Simon sitting with his mom and dad in the pew.
I listened to the youth choir sing and saw their mothers sitting together watching them with admiration.
I acted as Jesus did as he died on the cross, and his mother Mary watched with sorrow.

It wasn't that bad today. I think that I have at least this many moments when I miss mom every day. Today I didn't have the urge to melt down, cry, scream or throw things whenever I missed her. Often I had to just keep telling myself to breath, to breath through the day. I know it was just that which helped me through worship this morning.

Right now I look and feel really fat, which is so frustrating. Especially since this morning when I was getting dressed none of my black pants were fitting properly. I had to dress in all black for the drama in church today. Even though I've bought new pants over the past few months, none of them are all black. So with much debate I went with the drawstring yoga pants because I knew that they wouldn't fall to low on my hips and flash the choir behind me on the stage whenever I bent over. I just don't get it. How can my clothes look big and fit lose on me, when I continue to look so extremely fat? I know how fucked up that sounds. My friend Dione and I had quite the conversation over dinner tonight. And she thinks that I look sick, that I don't look right, and so on. She said so in her opinion as a friend who has known me for a long time. The thing is, growning up she was always the tall skinny one and I was the short fat one. Guys would always look at her, and never at me. She is entitled to her opinion. I just don't see what she sees. I guess I don't see what most people see when they look at me.

On Wednesday I start house and pet sitting for a total of 22 days and then I go away for 4 more days. I think this will be good and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to not be living with Dad and seeing so much of him. I hope that I am strong enough and confident enough in myself that I will enjoy living by myself with my friends' pets.