They Soured My Milk Today

Today as an awful day with food. At lunch time I made my supplement and topped it with banana slices. I've had it this way many times before and have liked it. But today it just tasted like slime ad the texture was slimey. So after a couple of bites I flushed it. I just couldn't eat the whole bowl. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to convince myself to eat anything, but I couldn't. I talked to a 2 friends on the phone and asked them for suggestions, this has worked in the past. It didn't work today. Nothing that I can usually eat just because I tell myself I should eat anything because I need the calories, would work today. In my mind everything was going taste gross. I ended up eating some baked lays chips and 1/3 cup of granola, which I was feeling ill from when I stopped eating it.

12 hours later, I still can't make myself eat anything. Even at youth group, all of the youth wer eating freezies and fudgicals, but I didn't even want to watch any of them eating them. I drank a non-fat latte during youth group, probably the most calories I had today beyond the chips. I really wanted to make myself eat because I had pilates this afternoon. Last week at the beginning of the session, Ranni asked me if I had even eaten enough that day to do pilates, I was afraid she would ask again and it seemed like if I was going to be burning over 300 calories that I should probably eat some to burn. On the other hand because I haven't eaten as much today, I haven't felt like I've needed to get food out of me.

I am very frustrated with the "controling parent" in me that made "my milk sour" today. It completely took over my mind and my body. I realise I should have eaten more but I just couldn't handle it today. I don't feel like I had control over this today, I couldn't force myself to eat for the life of me at lunch time today. The chips and granola I ate during the afternoon at work while Megan was eating a snack in the office.

And when I looked in the mirror as I changed into pyjamas tonight, I still looked fat. And my weight is high (for me at least). What I don't understand is how at Ricki's clothing store yesturday I tried on a size 4 pants and they were to big and the size 2 fit. While the womyn in another change room looked like she was thinner then me was wearing a size 10. How the fuck is that possible? I was by myself so I didn't say anything, if I had I think the sales womyn would have thought I was nuts... at least that's what other people have said when I've had similar reactions in clothing stores. Like in January when I bought a size 4 at Plum and told the sales womyn that I was shocked, she laughed at me and didn't understand why I was so suprised. Go figure.