The "C" Word Strikes Again

I don't understand. I don't understand why people who fight so hard to stay alive can possibley end up dying. Ahsley fought Hodgkins Lymphoma cancer over hte past 2.5 years, determined that she would beat it. That she would be able to tell her grandchildren that she once had cancer and they would laugh and say "I had that last week, the doctor gave me a pill and now it's gone!" She will never have children. She will never have grandchildren. I don't understand.

When I found out this morning, it took a couple of hours before it really sunk in and hit me. I didn't cry until about 2 or 3 hours after I heard the news. Since then I've had this hurt inside me, it's a hurt that I'm too familiar with. I've had it off and on for years. It doesn't want to go away even when I ignore it. I didn't let it stop me from my day, I walked 6km in a fundraiser and went out for dinner to celebrate a friend's birthday. Probably a good thing that I had to eat out for dinner, otherwise I wouldn't have eaten today. Even still I feel really fat, and I ate too much at dinner and then figured I might as well have ice cream (chocolate with peanut butter cups) since I've already gained 1.5 pounds today, regardless of the 6km walk. And the hurt is still there.

It seems like everyone who gets cancer eventually dies from it. I can't get that thought out of my head today. I just need someone to remind me that not everyone who gets cancer will die from it and that lots of people survive it. I really don't want my aunt to die. And I really don't want Dad to get cancer again, I don't want him to get sick and I don't want him to die. That would be awful. I'm beginning to realise that because Dad is such a big part of my life that when he dies, a part of me will die too. And because I don't want to let anyone in to be important in my life, to take care of me, to trust, etc there is no buffer between me and Dad. Nothing there to help diffuse the hurt.

I know the hurt is grief. It sits in my core, my heart, my stomach and every muscle in my body. It makes it a lot harder to move through the troubled waters. I feel so heavy (not just because I'm fat but because it feels like there is a something really heavy on my sholders that's pushing me down).

I used to have this image of mom in Heaven and that she would be there when my friends and family would die to greet them. She would introduce herself as my mom and give them a hug. And they would be connected. She would take care of them. I'm trying to think of Heaven differently now, trying to think that this image wouldn't actually happen. When I do picture this I get jealous of those who have already died because they get to see mom and be with her. I am trying to think of life eternal as the life abundant which we can experience in our daily lives here on earth. But then I get really confused as to what an afterlife might be like.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I miss mom, always will miss her and I'm sad today.