Holy Saturday...Holy Sad day
In between Good Friday and Easter Sunday there is Holy Saturday. This inbetween day is a waiting time, a time when the womyn who were close to Jesus, his friends and his followers were grieving his death. A time when they didn't know what was going to happen next. While I was at an Easter vigil on Holy Satruday I was reminded that this waiting time hurts and it sucks!
Last year Good Friday was really hard for me, I cried in the service a lot and I was sick. This year Holy Saturday was way harder. Maybe I've begun to move beyond mom's memorial service or the fact that she died. If I have then I guess I'm in an inbetween space or giant body of scarey water...between that and believing in the good that is in my life now and continuing to become. I know that's not something that I really understand logically since I can't really write about it or describe it very well. I do know that there is something beyond grief because so many people have told me that there is and that they have found it for themselves.
What pisses me off about this overlaying of the Easter story is that Christ returned to his family and friends. And I have to try and convince myself and come to believe that mom will never return to me. That leaves me feeling like shit. I think Mary and Mary Magdelene might have felt similarly. Not really understanding why he died, well they may have on some level since he kind of tried to explain that to them before he was crucified, but I'm sure they didn't really get it. They're "holy Saturday" would have been really hard. Followed by a very confusing resurection.
On the other hand Joan (the ordained one at my church) was describing the way in which we are all born again in Christ Jesus, that each of us died on the cross with him and were brought back anew. That Easter being a time of new life, can be a time of new life in each of us. So does this mean that the resurection or returning to life is suposed to be done in me? by me? Instead of mom coming back to life, am I supposed to somehow have new life? I know that I've heard this told to me by many friends and other people over the years. Obviously I don't totally get it.
I know that for a long time I wasn't really living but more just working and doing stuff, I wasn't enjoying life though. I'm trying harder to do this now. And I was told that my body was dead, that my muscles didn't want to work for me because I wasn't living life. Not to mention that apparently the way I eat is 'killing' my body. Well, I guess this is the transformation that I'm in. And that is what Jesus went through, a transformation. Maybe all these years I've compared Jesus dying to mom's death, which makes me like the Marys (like I was writting about earlier in this post). But I guess I need to be looking at how I am like Jesus dying and being brought back to life.
Are you confused yet? I am.
Besides all that, this Easter has worn me out. I'm tired, sad, and fat (really I am, I had to eat 2 meals out today).
Last year Good Friday was really hard for me, I cried in the service a lot and I was sick. This year Holy Saturday was way harder. Maybe I've begun to move beyond mom's memorial service or the fact that she died. If I have then I guess I'm in an inbetween space or giant body of scarey water...between that and believing in the good that is in my life now and continuing to become. I know that's not something that I really understand logically since I can't really write about it or describe it very well. I do know that there is something beyond grief because so many people have told me that there is and that they have found it for themselves.
What pisses me off about this overlaying of the Easter story is that Christ returned to his family and friends. And I have to try and convince myself and come to believe that mom will never return to me. That leaves me feeling like shit. I think Mary and Mary Magdelene might have felt similarly. Not really understanding why he died, well they may have on some level since he kind of tried to explain that to them before he was crucified, but I'm sure they didn't really get it. They're "holy Saturday" would have been really hard. Followed by a very confusing resurection.
On the other hand Joan (the ordained one at my church) was describing the way in which we are all born again in Christ Jesus, that each of us died on the cross with him and were brought back anew. That Easter being a time of new life, can be a time of new life in each of us. So does this mean that the resurection or returning to life is suposed to be done in me? by me? Instead of mom coming back to life, am I supposed to somehow have new life? I know that I've heard this told to me by many friends and other people over the years. Obviously I don't totally get it.
I know that for a long time I wasn't really living but more just working and doing stuff, I wasn't enjoying life though. I'm trying harder to do this now. And I was told that my body was dead, that my muscles didn't want to work for me because I wasn't living life. Not to mention that apparently the way I eat is 'killing' my body. Well, I guess this is the transformation that I'm in. And that is what Jesus went through, a transformation. Maybe all these years I've compared Jesus dying to mom's death, which makes me like the Marys (like I was writting about earlier in this post). But I guess I need to be looking at how I am like Jesus dying and being brought back to life.
Are you confused yet? I am.
Besides all that, this Easter has worn me out. I'm tired, sad, and fat (really I am, I had to eat 2 meals out today).
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 10:49 PM
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