The "C" Word

I hate cancer. It seems to take away too many people (most importantly of course my mom) and it affects everyone. I know this isn't suprising to anyone, I think everyone knows at least one person who has cancer, has been treated for cancer or has lost a battle against the "C" word. My dad's doctor thinks that there may be a heriditary "gene" (meaning it runs in our family) in our family. Since he had prostate cancer 3 years ago and my aunt has been undergoing treatment of colon cancer over the past year. He is off to get more testing done.

My Cancer Family Tree

Grandma A. "mom's mom" (ovarian)

Grandma A.'s Sister (breast)

Mom (breast -> lung)

Dad (prostate)

Aunt Wendy "dad's sister" (colon -> liver)

Uncle Jim "dad's brother" (none)

So how long will it be until my uncle gets cancer? Or my siblings or I? Or my cousins? I think it's the female trend that bothers me the most. I am very glad that my dad finally menitoned to his doctor that his sister coninues to be treated for cancer (10 months after her original diagnosis).

Today I was able to say that I've learned that depression doesn't really go away. Instead its something that I learn how to deal with on a daily basis. Not every day will be a good or ok day, some will be absolutely shitty, finding different ways of dealing with the shitty days is what I've been trying to learn. I know that I haven't gotten totally over mom's death but today I don't feel really pulled down by it. I have no idea of tomorow I feel tremendous grief or not. I won't know until tomorow comes. I know that I have a problem with eating and there are lots of reasons that I do, most of which I don't understand or I'm not aware of. But I also know that recovering form an eating disorder can take a lifetime. It's not something that I can fix in a day, a week, a month etc. And I have to be ready to make changes in how I eat, I'm not ready to do that right now...I know I'm not, I want to take better care of myself, but part of me does not agree with that. So I stop myself from changing.

And really, what difference will it make in the long run if the "C" word will eventually consume my life? I am one of the biggest supporters of the Canadian Cancer Society. I volunteer at Relay for Life, I'm even in newspaper campaigns for the relay with part of my story. But I am not fully convinced that we will be able to make cancer history. Nice idea, but I don't knwo if it will ever happen.