No Control in Sinking

This was not the easiest week. Just when I thought things would start to look up, I'd be brought lower than I was before. Little things won't go away, I try to let go of them but they just keep building up.

It's mostly stupid fuckin' people at work. I feel like I can't do anything right and that's being proven by the actions that others need to take to fix what I've done wrong. And it's happening in both workplaces. So at different times through out the week I've considered that I'm not good enough to be in these positions and that I should really give up. That I'm not actually well suited for any of the work that I'm trying to do. And that it really is me, that is the problem, I can't work with people in teams anymore. Everywhere I try, I run into conflict.

I know this has to do with control. I get that. What I don't get is why it is such a big fuckin' deal to me. Or why do I always get stuck in these environments? Or why I can't have control over my reactions?

It's way to draining to deal with. On Tuesday, I stayed in my pyjamas, didn't leave home, slept on and off through out the day, and ate when a friend reminded me on msn. I had the day off as a snow day but I wasn't going to make it to work that day anyways, there was no way I was going to be able to get out of bed and be functional. This is all with an increase in zoloft.

I know I should find ways to cope, good ways that is. I've tried resting. I've tried praying. As hard as I pray though, I still can't give it all over to God. I can say the prayer, but it doesn't go away...and that just makes me feel even less worthy. Like I can't even pray right, I can pray for others no problem, and I know that those prayers feel right, for myself that's another story.

I'm just so fuckin' frustrated.

No Control.

I hate not having control. It always comes back to that.

Today was one of the worst days in a long time. I actually got so stressed out at work while I was rewriting an rfp at work that I started to cry...not just because it was a hell of a lot of work but because I didn't have faith that it was going to make any fucking difference. I mean sure we'll probably get the funding but the project won't make a difference. People don't actually give a shit about each other, making kids do a workshop isn't going to get them to change their minds or their behaviours.

I also can't stand the fact that my coworker is refusing to take time off work when her doctor told her to and wrote her a note. She keeps emailing and calling the office to have someone take her her work laptop and files. It pissses me off. I don't like the fact that she's sick. But at the same time I hate the fact that she's not doing what she's been told to do.

What it all comes down to is I have no control. There are too many things that affect my life that I can't control. Which has been throwing my mind and body back into the past when I had no control because of death and loss. That shit on top of working over 50 hours in 6 days has made me exhausted and depressed. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed in the morning for the past 2 weeks when my alarm went off. I haven't been able to see the point of getting up. And then eventually I've been forcing myself out of bed and getting to work however late. No wonder I have scratches on me again. No wonder I'm forcing myself to eat when I see others eat at work (because it makes me realise I haven't eaten on my own at home).

Even though I've realised why I've been feeling this way, I still feel like shit. I haven't regained control. I'm still upset about the past. I can't change that. I hate this because it seems hopeless.