I Caught the Lifesaver, But Now What?

Since my last post things have been chaotic and rocky. 2 weeks ago I was feeling very depressed and really not seeing much point in anything or life in general. A couple of my friends were getting concerned. They threw me a lifesaver. They felt the best way to help was to take control of my life and let me know that they cared enough to do something. So one of them called my colleague who convinced me that I should take some time off work. These were very difficult conversations to have.

I've been on leave for 1.5 weeks, and will be off for another 2.5 weeks. My doctor thinks this is a good idea as well as my counsellor (so please realise that I am getting professional help and this blog is a reflection of what I am experiencing, while receiving that help). I've been doing more thinking and feeling about my grief and have begun to realise that I don't have much self-worth for myself. I feel that I have very little confidence in my self, that I can't do anything right, and that I can't trust anyone. I am trying to gain a sense of why I am important so that living and being won't be so challenging to me. For me this is really hard to do.

I cry everyday. Some days I'm sad because I miss my mom and other days just about anything can upset me. When I am sad, it taps into that really old hurt that I have within me. I hurt constantly and it feels as though it will never go away. Although that is what everyone tells me, that it will go away, that I am strong and will over come this. All I can do right now is try to hear what they are saying as I don't believe it.

I have prayed to God and I have others pray for me that God will give me the strength to live through this and that God's healing powers will surround me.

Keeping my head above...or not really?

It seemed like my hed was above water most of the time for the past few days. Although when it comes down to it, I realise that I was mearly coping, just barely getting enough oxygen and pretty much faking my way through every action, every task at work and in most conversations. When I talk with those who know what's going on with me I am either on the verge of tears and holding them back or full on crying.

I am visiting some of my family next week, this is with mixed feelings. On one hand I really want to spend time with one of them, but on the other I'm not sure if I have the emotional capacity to be around the other family members. If this week is any indication of what those days are going to be like, I am going to be hurting a lot in the coming days. I won't be home and I won't be near my support people, except for one and she is part of the stress. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle this. Being there and thinking of being there brings up so much pain and sorrow.

I think that I'm worring myself more then my close friends, probably because they don't know everything. I tend to worry about anything, so chances are it's nothing. Here's a list of some of my fears...

• water (and being on ferries, boats, etc -see post #1)
• people dying on me (especially my dad and close friends)
• hurting myself
• some younger family members
• heights
• dark
• being too alone
• overwhelming exclusion
• dying

I have learned that not everything in life is rational. So I can't explain exactly why I have these fears and why I act the way I do, even if they are things that I want to eventually change. Feelings and emotions aren't always logical (if ever). I know that my life experience thus far has shaped much of how I preceive things, including my fears. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with these.

Life just seems too hard right now.

Sinking in Sorrow

I was sinking in sorrow, I cried for 20 minutes this morning before I even got out of bed. I mentioned before that I'm depressed. It's mostly because of my grief for the death of my mother. She died over 20 years ago when I was a child. And it still affects me every day.

I really missed mom today. I couldn't help but cry, even as I got dressed to go to work, as I brushed my teeth, and I told myself 'just pull it together so you can go to work'. I still cried. I guess I stopped as I was getting out my car at work. I don't want people there to know how rough some days are for me. There have been a few really bad days where I have not been even able to go to work and the most I can handle is talking to one of my support people on the phone.

I miss her so much and I still really want her to come back. I know that realistically she won't come back and that I should move on from this, but I can't. It's too difficult.

This blog is really a journal of what I am experiencing in my life. Some of these things I haven't been able to tell most of my friends, except for 2, plus a couple of key support people, on being a counselor. The anonymity of posting might help me over come the pain that I feel when I write and say these things.