The "A" Word

Earlier this week I went about 42 hours without any food, other then water. I didn't faint, thank God, even though I had been in my first ever hour long yoga class. Friends and family are trying to encourage me to eat, I'm not sure if this really works. My Dad brought home chocolate chip cookies from the bakery yesturday and said "oh ya, make sure you try those, I know they're the ones that you like," when I was in the kitchen. I didn't want to upset him or make him mad so I forced myself to eat one.

I find it difficult to get angry towards other people. I'm so scared that if I do they will be pissed off with me and that something awful will happen (lose a friend, they leave me, or hurt me). This is really hard to deal with because when I do feel angry, I get angry at myself more then anything. I feel so confused. And frustrated that I can't control it and that I assume things about other people (like the way they may react to something).

I know that this is connected with being left at such an early age by my mom. I was angry at her for being sick all the time, and the few times I remember her being mad at me for things. She died on me and I'm still angry at her. Logically it would seem like this would be able to seperate out from stuff with friends (or the living in general), but nothing is logical when it comes to emotional awareness.

At times I become anxious and paraniod over this. And when I'm really anxious I tend to hurt myself in someway. -It's a pattern that I'm beginning to notice. Not a great way of handling things, but its what I do right now and it is hard to try to change that when the grief feelings are still there to be continuosly worked out. I've been told that things will get better. That when I'm ready to change it will happen, that grief can take a long time to work through and that it's not easy (I totallly agree). In the meantime things are a little twisted in my mind at times, mostly around my body image, not feeling hungry and therefore not wanting to eat. Even that can be challenging to control some times.

A Troubled Day

Today was a bad day. Leading up today I've been feeling like I can't trust anyone and was beginning to think that I couldn't trust myself. And that I can't depend on myself to make good decisions for me either.

I was taking a bath and decided to shave my legs, this isn't something that I do every day or even every week in the winter -so it had been a while. This meant putting a razor in my hand. I thought nothing of it until I realised after shaving both of my legs that I had a few nicks. Which any womyn, especially one who wears glasses, will tell you is bound to happen once in a while. But I had cut my ankle, there was blood floating in the water near it. I lifted it out onto the side of the tub and started to cry as I watched it bleed. I hadn't even noticed that I had cut myself. When I was drying off and getting dressed, I realised that there were several small cuts in the same area of my ankle. This was not a small nick.

I can't believe I did it. I hadn't hurt myself like that (or scratched) since the middle of November. Almost 2 months. I thought I was over that. I was told I need to remember to be careful and gentle with myself. I think that I may need to switch to a different method of hair removal, sounds cheezy, but if I want to avoid this temptation that my mind obviously gets then I should get rid of my razor. It doesn't seem like a safe thing to have around me right now.

Last week I had one of hte most difficult conversations with my doctor. I told her that I have a problem with food, that I don't feel hungry ever and if I'm not hungry then I can't eat. I can't feed myself. She began to tell me how important nutrition is and then stopped and said "but you don't really want to hear a lecture, you probably just want me to feed you." She's right. And she understood when I told her that I didn't think I would want to take the supplement shakes/drinks because I would know that those are "food" and whenever I eat I gag or feel like I will gag. This happens with pills sometimes too. So she is making me take nutrient supplements that are pills and vitamins D and B12. Her nurse congradulated me that day for not gaining any weight over Christmas, I don't think she happened to notice that I had actually lost another 2 pounds during that time. (Which I was really excited about!)

I'm going to try and work a half day tomorow. I need to try and see if I can manage it or not. That's the only way I'll really know.

My Troubled, Ugly, Fat, Scared Body is Still Sinking Deeper

I hate my body. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I have scars. I am so fat, I always have been, my whole life. I have however trained myself over the years to not eat, if I do not feel hungry and have often counted callories to see how much I had eaten that day. Well I have not been hungry in a very long time. I have to force feed myself to eat anything these days. I get scared every time I go to a doctor's appointment because she weighs me. In the first two weeks I was off work, I lost 6 pounds, over the past 7 weeks I've lost about 15 pounds. (I am still at least 10 pounds over the minimum wieght for my height. Not that I'm watching my weight carefuly or anything...just weighing myself at least once a day...) I don't think my body looks any different, in fact I think that there is not much difference in the size of my friends and my size, they keep trying to tell me different, I just don't see it. I don't like the weight that I'm at right now and I don't care if/want to keep losing weight.

When I eat, my stomach hurts, I shouldn't eat as much as I do. I feel sick and guilty when I have eaten too much, and all I can think of is I don't want this food in me. I think this has become an obsession through out my life, the only difference now is that I have given it more control and people are noticing. This is all so embarrassing. I have been told that this is a way that I am trying to control my life because I can't control how I'm feeling, and I don't have control over so much of what happens in my life (mom's death, what people do at work, Christmas, etc).

It is really hard for me to label and admit what this is, even though others have told me (including my counsellor). This is scary. I wish someone would just tell me, "actually you don't have a problem". Somehow I don't think that is going to happen.

I would rather not have to deal with any of this, I wish it would all just go away and end.