Risks & Trust

Taking risks is a really challenging thing for me to do. Tonight at cardio core bootcamp I found myself saying "I can't" it's the first time since I started the program that I used the word "can't" and I feel defeated that I thought that way. And it was over the stupidest thing, skipping with a rope around the track. After a few steps I trip on the rope. I lose the coordination. And I get frustrated, so I start walking. I don't understand how it is that I can't remember how to skip while moving? I used to do this all the time in elementary school, for a while I was even part of the skipping club. I'm realising now that it my attitude might have been affected by what I had eaten during the day before bootcamp...or lack there of. A peice of banana bread, a juice, and a frapacino in the morning. Shit. I forgot to eat enough.

While I was waiting for the class to start I was reading my current book, "Fat is a Feminist Issue". It's really interesting and talks about compulsive eating and not eating with ways that a womyn needs to look at it in order to begin to overcome the disorder. So anyways one of the womyn in bootcamp asked me what I was reading, so I told the group. They all laughed at me. I always thought that all of them were either about my size or thinner than me. Once again, I was wrong. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten that reaction I don't think.

Each day I'm confronted with the choice of taking a risk, whether it be trying a new thing at work or attending bootcamp or meeting new people. One of the biggest challenges I face with this is trust. I don't have a big level of basic trust that I can believe in, yet, so trusting that things are going to be fine and I will be able to succeed in a new task, is really hard. Sometimes I even find this hard when I'm with a group of people and I don't know everyone very well. How can I tell if they are all going to be nice to me? How do I know that they aren't complete assholes and are going to treat me like shit or make fun of me?

And when I take a risk, I often forget that I'm not alone and that God is seeing me through my life. That's hard for me to remember whe I'm distacted by the element of fear that I have of the risk. Everyday I rmeind myself that I can trust God. And I can trust myself. I'm not sure which is easier though, trusting God or trusting myself. (not to mention trusting other people!)