This demon came from the Devil
When I first told a colleague about my eating disorder in January she told me that it is a demon inside of me that I need to fight. The Devil has tried to reach me again in a way to strengthen that demon.
I've gained 5 pounds in the past few weeks and I'm pissed off about it. I look so fat and yet I've been trying so hard to pretend infront of most of my friends that I'm doing way better with eating. And one of them admitted that I look better than I did in January. She said that she didn't want to say anything, she told me then that I looked like I lost weight and that I looked good. But the other day she told me she didn't know what to say at that time because she didn't want to tell me that I didn't look good. No wonder I'm so confused with the reactions and comments of people towards my weight. And I found out from her that I weighed less than she did up until a month ago, and now we weigh about the same. But I'm not sure how this can be because she is so much more skinnier than I am. She always has been, and there is no way I will ever be as skinny as she is.
I'm not sure where I went wrong in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Maybe I've had more junk food than I did before. Or did I binge too much without purging a couple of times. I know that beyond the way I eat, think about food, and see my body there are other things going on that are causing me to be so fuckin' critical about myself.
I saw a weight-loss reality show on TV where a woman who is 23 was trying to get into shape and lose weight because she wanted to look more like the models in magazines. I admit that I compare myself to the images in magazines but then again I compare myself to everyone! The weird thing about the woman on the TV show was that she didn't lose very much weight but was able to gain some muscle in 3 months and look like the pictures in the magazine. I totally don't understand this because she was much bigger than me.
I recently saw the Devil Wears Prada, a great movie, I saw it twice with different friends and highly recommend it to anyone. But beware the evil media images of super skinny models are at the core of this movie. Nigel (the art director for the magazine) states that size 4 became the new 2, and 2 became the Zero. Further more that 6 is the new 14. Later on in the movie a champaign toast is made to celebrate that Andrea has gone down from a 6 to a 4. Not to mention throughout the whole movie Emily is trying to lose more weight so that she can fit into more of the model clothes describing her diet as not eating anything except for a cube of cheese when she feels like she's going to faint. And when she is told that she looks thin in a dress, she says thank-you, I'm just one stomach flu away from my ideal weight. All I have to say is thanks for the encouragement! I guess the devil really is in this movie, it is making eating disorders a goal and a norm of young womyn professionals. It tapped into the demon which is within me and made it stronger. This movie is pro-annorexia, even though it has tried to make a bit of a farce on the fashion industry.
I've gained 5 pounds in the past few weeks and I'm pissed off about it. I look so fat and yet I've been trying so hard to pretend infront of most of my friends that I'm doing way better with eating. And one of them admitted that I look better than I did in January. She said that she didn't want to say anything, she told me then that I looked like I lost weight and that I looked good. But the other day she told me she didn't know what to say at that time because she didn't want to tell me that I didn't look good. No wonder I'm so confused with the reactions and comments of people towards my weight. And I found out from her that I weighed less than she did up until a month ago, and now we weigh about the same. But I'm not sure how this can be because she is so much more skinnier than I am. She always has been, and there is no way I will ever be as skinny as she is.
I'm not sure where I went wrong in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Maybe I've had more junk food than I did before. Or did I binge too much without purging a couple of times. I know that beyond the way I eat, think about food, and see my body there are other things going on that are causing me to be so fuckin' critical about myself.
I saw a weight-loss reality show on TV where a woman who is 23 was trying to get into shape and lose weight because she wanted to look more like the models in magazines. I admit that I compare myself to the images in magazines but then again I compare myself to everyone! The weird thing about the woman on the TV show was that she didn't lose very much weight but was able to gain some muscle in 3 months and look like the pictures in the magazine. I totally don't understand this because she was much bigger than me.
I recently saw the Devil Wears Prada, a great movie, I saw it twice with different friends and highly recommend it to anyone. But beware the evil media images of super skinny models are at the core of this movie. Nigel (the art director for the magazine) states that size 4 became the new 2, and 2 became the Zero. Further more that 6 is the new 14. Later on in the movie a champaign toast is made to celebrate that Andrea has gone down from a 6 to a 4. Not to mention throughout the whole movie Emily is trying to lose more weight so that she can fit into more of the model clothes describing her diet as not eating anything except for a cube of cheese when she feels like she's going to faint. And when she is told that she looks thin in a dress, she says thank-you, I'm just one stomach flu away from my ideal weight. All I have to say is thanks for the encouragement! I guess the devil really is in this movie, it is making eating disorders a goal and a norm of young womyn professionals. It tapped into the demon which is within me and made it stronger. This movie is pro-annorexia, even though it has tried to make a bit of a farce on the fashion industry.
posted by Womyn in Troubled Waters at 11:24 PM
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