Am I fat or am I thin?

People think that I've gained weight and they told me so at work yesturday. They don't understand that I don't want to gain weight. I try to tell them that I haven't gained that much (in reality I've only gained 3.5 pounds since my lightest weight). When they say that to me, I hear them saying that I'm not as thin as I used to be and that I'm getting fatter. As if I want that rubbed in my face. Over the weekend I ate out everyday with friends, so I know that I gained 2 pounds, so it has been a consicous struggle to loose those pounds before I go to the doctor today and get weighed. I hate that they weigh me and record my weight, well I guess I only really hate it when I've gained weight since the last time I was there. And I'm pretty sure that's going to be what happens at this appointment. But if I had lost a bunch of weight then she would probably get worried, so I don't think that would be a good idea either. It's almost like I need to make sure I'm about the same weight as last month, at least, in order for her not to get more worried about me. I'm sure she realises that I probably fluxuate during the month and weigh less when I'm in between visits or depending on what I eat or where I go during that time.

I am so scared of being fat! Even though I've been told by friends that I'm not fat, and that my body is a gift from God, blah blah blah. I understand what they're saying to me but that isn't going to change the fact that I think I'm fat. I hate my body.

I was asked yesturday what would happen if I got too thin. This totally suprised me that someone would think I could get too thin. What the hell? I don't think I can ever be too thin. My counsellor said that's dangerous to think that way. It's not like I'm ever going to be able to weigh less than this 5 pound range that I've been in for the last 3 months, my body isn't good enough to do that. And I dont' understand why some people think that I look really skinny and others think that I don't. It's so confusing. Because obviously I know that someone is exagerating or lying to me about how I look. I just can't figure out who is and who I should be trusting on this one. Even though I have a pretty good idea who I should trust.

I really should get all of the junk food out of my house. It tempts me too much and I feel totally guilty if I indulge and eat cookies. (I found peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies...not as good as Baskin Robin's peanut butter chocolate ice cream though.)

I'm not sure what will happen when I stay at my friend's house during the coming week. They will see what I eat and when, so I don't really have that much control.