Some people can support others (dad is not one of them)

Over the last two weekends two of my friends have been really good support. At May Retreat and Conference meeting, where we eat meals in large groups and the food is prepared for us, I was overwhelmed most of the time. Each of them being fully aware of my problems with food, knew what questions to ask and when to check-in with me. I'm glad they were there and were able to help me in the way that they did. They only thing was that once I was back at home, I went right back to my old routine, there was no one here to take on their role.

I've had a really busy couple of weeks, hence why I haven't posted in a while. I think the last full day I had off was May 8th. 3.5 weeks ago. I know that this is awful because this is the pattern that I'm trying to avoid and I'm so tired from not having a sabath day. In fact in the last few days I've just cried at the end of the day because I'm wiped. I think I might take next tuesday off. I get Saturday off but I'll be at Relay for Life all night before that and that's with the church, so it's not really a break.

All this and I'm fat. I didn't weigh myself today but that's because of all the crap I ate yesturday and I know it made me gain at least 2 pounds. I look so ugly when I see myself in the mirror. I shouldn't eat as much as I do but whenever I do eat too much I somehow come up with a justicfication at the time. But like I feel right now, I always feel guilty later on. I shouldn't have eatten the big organic salad with feta cheese and the kettle chips tonight. I ate other stuff at work today as well. And Illana (one of my colleagues) was going on and on about how good I look, and how she doesn't think that I need to lose any more weight. I don't get her. I obviously don't see what she sees.

On Sunday night (after my really full weekend) my grandma was taken to emergency for x-rays. She's 102 (103 on Aug 5th) and they thought she may have broken a rib or her hip. But the x-rays are clean, no breaks or fractures at all. She justhas bruises. My dad organized me and my brother to go to the hospital to make sure everything was taken care of with her. I was still on the island when he called me, hadn't even gotten to the ferry terminal yet. And what did he do during this whole experience? He stayed at home and didn't even drive the hour to go see her in the hospital. She's his mother! Fuck! I hate the fact that he can't handle anything with her and comes up with lame-ass excuses to avoid everyting with Grandma. I told him when I got home from Grandma's on Sunday night, to go visit her this week, and he didn't. Mind you why the fuck would he listen to me? I'm not smart. I don't know anything. And right now I don't feel worthy.