Friday, August 18, 2006

Lululemon Outlet Store

The rumours are true! There really is a Lululemon factory outlet store in Vancouver. I've been hearing about this store for years but until recently was never able to find out where it is. A friend knew and took me there. It's not very big but there is quite a bit of stuff there. A number of items are marked down because they have small flaws, others are just out of season (they come in different colours now).

Here's the location:
Corner of East 3rd ave & Mclean drive
(door is on East 3rd ave between Mclean drive and Clark drive)

Hours:
friday 12-6
saturday 10-6
sunday 11-5
(note: they aren't open every day!)

Plus if you have used Lululemon clothing that you don't wear anymore you can bring it into the outlet store and they will give you $5 off your next purchase. The used clothes are given to local womyn's shelters.

Keep. Toss. Give/Sell.

At times I just feel sick to my stomach over the purchase of my condo. It's exciting but at the same time it freaks me out. I'm leaving Dad and I'm moving out. And it is a such a huge decision and comitment to be making. I feel like it's forcing me to be very adult-like. I mean I realise that I am 26 but I'm leaving behind my house that I've spent my entire life in. It is really a security blanket type house for me, it has kept me safe through all of the shit that has happened around my life. But in someways it has kept me in all of the shit that happened around me, and made it seem like that was my life.

I am totaly scared. I have to start the exhausting process of sorting through all of my stuff and packing. Keep. Toss. Give/Sell. The three boxes or bags that I will fill. This morning when I was folding my laundry I was realising how much of my clothes I don't really need. Like I have 4 pairs of boxer shorts, well I only wear these as pyjamas on occasion, so why do I need 4 pairs? 1 of which I've had since I was 10 and 2 of which were originally my sisters and she probably bought them around the same time. And all of the old camp and concert t-shirts...those are going in a box that is marked "t-shirts for quilt". I don't know how to make a quilt but a few of my friends do and one of them said she would make it for me when she has time. Until then the box can stay at Dad's house. And I think I can get rid of my ripped jeans from grade 10. I wore these for "rockstar" dinner at camp, they're about 6 sizes too big for me and I don't really need them any more. And the clothes that I haven't worn in about 3 or 4 years I don't see any point in keeping. A year ago I would have never been thinking this way about any of my stuff.

It seemed like a no brainer to be moving the piano to my condo. But considering I haven't played it in 14 months and it symbolizes a memory of mom I am kind of suprised that I have a priority on moving it. It needs to come with me. I don't know when or if I'll play it again but I want it to be with me.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Overwhelming

I made an offer on a condo. How crazy? I feel like it's a huge adult decision to be making. I'm excited though, I signed the papers and now I'm just waiting. I hope that my offer is accepted but I have a feeling that it won't be...Kind of stressful to wait. After I looked at 4 condos today I went back to my office and told Kathy all about this one. She agreed that it sounds like a good choice. I was so glad that she was there to affirm my decision, otherwise I probably wouldn't have mad the offer. I tried to get a hold of my sister but she was working, I talked to her tonight, and she seemed glad. It's all a little overwhelming, ok a lot overwhelming. What happens if the offer is accepted? What happens if I actually have to move out? Freaking out just a bit but only crying a little. This is so hard! If mom were here I would have had her come and look at it with me.

With all the busy-ness of looking at condos today and working, I didn't exactly eat. That is until I was heading out the door to bootcamp. At that time I ate an apple because I didn't think I would make it through the hour with only having a cup of coffee that morning, 8 hours prior to the class.

Oh cardio core bootcamp...Tonight I jogged 800m straight, I don't even know if I've ever been able to do that before. Grant it that it was a pretty slow pace, but still. I wonder if I could have done the 2 laps faster if I had eaten more today? And I did all of the leg exercises with the weight, I was the only one who managed that tonight. But I know that tonight's class was easy because half of the women there it was their first class, so we only did about half of the stuff we've done before in the class. I still had energy afterwards, even though I was sweaty and gross. The running and push-ups were the hardest part. My arms start shaking when I have to do 90 push-ups in a row (arms apart and then arms closer together with elbows in).

I haven't figured out how to tell Dad yet that I'm buying my own place. It was suggested today that I send him a change of address card, that might be the best option. Regardless I don't think I'm going to tell him until my offer is accepted. I'm so hoping that it is!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Odd Girl Out

I watched this movie tonight, it wasn't bad. I thought it would be a pretty easy going teeny-bopper movie about a teenage girl and her friends in highschool. And for the most part it was but I would say that it is more intense than Mean Girls was when it comes to showing the effects of social bullying and girls. Vanessa, the girl being bullied the most, completely melts down after being humiliated repeatively. At one point she cuts her hair off because of the mean comments they say about her hair, and she becomes convinced that she is fat because they call her fat and create websites that show her to be fatter than she is. She takes a few of her moms sleeping pills to fall asleep but when those don't work she takes the whole bottle. While she is being loaded into the ambulance, a boy video tapes the whole thing and puts it on the internet for all of the other girls to see and laugh at the next day at school. WTF?! Who is lame enough to do that? To tape someone in such a state and then make fun of it?

I related to the depression that Vanessa faces in this movie. I can remember times when friends were totally mean to me at school and then would pretend that they were my best friend outside of school. It was so confusing! And I never knew what I had done to cause it. I hated it when they would talk about me behind my back with their other friends and make me seem like a complete loser and bitch. I still find it hard to believe what people say to me, I never know if they're telling me the truth. And when I do believe people what they're telling me isn't always what I should be believing.

I don't have faith in myself to discern what is truth and what's not. And I'm not really sure all the time what is truth from God and what is really fallicy from a demon. It can be so hard for me to know if what I am eating is really what I should be eating, etc. I went for 11 days without laxatives, grant it most of that time I was at camp, but still I did it. And then I ate Subway for lunch today, after which I was sitting in my office working and dug through my purse to find them. I didn't stress about it or think about it before I took them, and it was only afterwards that I started to think that maybe God didn't want me to take them. It didn't work anyways, I'm still fat. But then I have people tell me that I'm tiny and small, I'm so confused. My doctor reminded me last week that I'm waiting for a break-through and that the eating disorder will go away once I get that. I don't know if it will.

I'm looking at more condos tomorow, I'm praying that I find one I want.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Another Church Sign

If there are no obstacles on your path, than it probably doesn't lead anywhere
~Peace Lutheran Church, Abbotsford BC

I realise that everyone faces obastacles in their lives. It takes so much energy to face them and overcome them though. I guess it takes a lot of energy to avoid them too. The question that I'm stuck with is does God create the obstacle for you to overcome? Or is it the devil/world/us without God that creates them? And I think that sometimes I create additional obstacles for me to face when I'm confronting the original ones. Fuck. It's never ending. And there are days when it doesn't feel like the path filled with obstacles is going to lead anywhere, that the obstacle in my way is a dead end.

I need to think and pray about this one...

What I Learned At Camp

This past week at camp I learned that...

Forcing myself to eat what everyone else is eating just for the sake of trying to encourage other people to eat, does not actually help me any. All it means is that I'm eating for other people, not for nourishing my body. I didn't even like the food, it didn't taste good, I wasn't hungry and it made me gain weight. There was no possible way for me to get the food out of me other than slowly digesting it (which I don't think really works all that well).

I am more fit and have more energy to play games like handball and kickball but I'm not very good at these because when I was in school I couldn't keep up with the other kids so I never learned the skills to play these games well. Like kicking a ball in the right direction or aiming the ball to the net.

Most people have personal issues with food, when a conflict camp up over what one of the girls from my cabin was eating at meals, it really wasn't about my stuff, it was hers. I spent a few hours feeling bad that I reacted to her not eating because I didn't want any of the girls to fall into the trap that I find myself in most of the time. But later came to realise that it was her own issue around not having control over a lot of stuff, especially things at camp that had surfaced at that meal time.

Since coming home from camp 2 days ago I have managed to lose 2 pounds, praise the Lord! It just goes to show that I was eating like shit at camp and I was eating way more than I normally do. I start bootcamp again tomorow night and I hope that I continue toget fit.

Sleep is very important. So is being honest with the nurse about how I'm really feeling. She was really supportive and it felt like she understood where I was coming from. Of course every once and a while she would talk about support groups she leads with clients at work, mental health in Mission. I knew that it was her way of giving me information. And she was trying to encourage me to connect with the adult mental health in abbotsford for support for people with eating disorders. I'm not sure about that.

I can always pray for others, especially when they don't think that they can pray for themselves. I know that they will come back to God, they just don't know why the obstacles they are faced with are in their lives and don't understand why God would watch them go through those. I relate to that confusion. I still feel that way sometimes but I've come to know that God is with me in the obstacles and is not going to let me drown, but will make sure that I will get through it even if there are friends and people who don't think I can. God will not stop believing in me. God will get me through the challenges that I face and will help me overcome the eating disorder demon.

I've made such an impact on the lives of campers in the past that they think about me during the year, that they are disappointed when they find out they are not in my cabin, and when they can't wait to tell me what they did based on advice that I gave them the year before. I feel guilty because they don't really know what I face, they don't know the real me necessarily.

People at camp are part of my family, most just for the week, but some are part of my permanent extended family. They know more about what I'm really about than my Dad will ever comprehend. And they are supportive. Silently at times and as loud obnoxious cheerleaders at other times.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I wish it was Fat Camp

I'm fat. They weighed me at the doctor's office today and it's official, I'm fat. Since the last time they weighed me I've gained 8 pounds. That's over the past 3 months. It makes me really sad.

This week I'm a cabin counselor at camp, it's tonnes of fun but I have to eat 3 meals a day with my 8 teenage girls from my cabin. Eating. And everything is gross, processed, yesturday was great when we got celery and carrot sticks with our lunch! I'm not drinking enough water because it just tastes awful, so my lips are even chapped. I can't use laxitives because the washroom is on the other side of camp from my cabin, plus I think people would notice something was going on. I feel like I have no control over food this week because of this. What sucks even more is that I have a girl in my cabin who is actually obese, so I have this constant struggle with her because she doesn't eat enough if the food is gross and she doesn't like it. If I make any comment, even just "would you like anything else instead?" she freaks out at me and starts crying. I know that she has stuff going on for her, but it's hard for me to help her because she doesn't want any kind of support, I don't think she really wants to be at camp and yet, she's there and she triggers some of my stuff.

I love hanging out with my friends at camp. It's fabulous. Some of them I see more of them at camp while we're working then I do all year because they're insanely busy. But at the same time, they get on my nerves. I hear them complain about everyone else, I don't blame them, but it takes it's toll on me. And they've been calling me a cougar. Whatever, I'm so not a cougar, he's only 2 years younger than me and I've only gone out with him twice.

I also feel connected with God while I'm at camp. So much of my faith development was in those woods, cabins, and with those people. I see the vitality that Christ lived through the excited campers and the ones who learn something new about themselves and are able to try a new activity each day. And when I'm having a shitty day there are so many people to be encouraging even when they don't know they are. I feel wanted and needed by people when I'm at camp. There were 2 girls who came and found me on Sunday when they got to camp to tell me how disappointed they were that they weren't in my cabin this year.

Too bad we don't fast while we're at camp (just joking).