It's too hard.

I hate being forced into independence. All I want is for my family to actually do what I need. I'm tired of going above and beyond to fulfill their needs. I took a day and half off of work last week to help my sister move, I fuckin' flew to calgary and drove back with her. Even though she knew that I was moving this weekend she went ahead and booked viewings of new homes where they're wanting to buy the same day that I'm moving. So even though she's 2 hours away from me now, she's not coming to be with me. She doesn't get it. Everyone who has been encouraging me to move out of dad's house for the past 5 years is not around me right now, will not be with me when I actually load the boxes into the moving truck and when I take them into my new home.

Dad's around but he doesn't really want me to move. And frankly he's just annoying. Making stupid comments all of hte time. Giving me un-necessary information. And my brother is working all weekend, and I wouldn't really want him around anyways but still, he hasn't had anything to do with anything important and me for 8 years. The last important thing that my sister was present for in my life was my confirmation when I was 15 years old. That was 11.5 years ago. In the mean time I've gone to both of their weddings, plus helped my sister move 4 times, went to my sister's baby's first birthday party (which was really a party for my sister), etc.

I just feel like I'm having to do this all on my own. I don't have any real support from my family. I have friends that are helping me out tomorow but its not the same as my immediate family, they could care less if I ever move out of my dad's house plus I'm moving away from them.

I just feel so shitty and sad right now. Know one understands what it's like for me. Right now I just want to give up.

How is it with your soul?

In 12 hours I will have the keys to my condo. I can tell that I'm nervous about this because my stomach has been upset all night and I didn't take anything to make it that way. I'm really scared still about moving and completely stressed out. What if I buy the wrong furniture? What if I just can't handle living on my own? What if I never overcome the grief of leaving my house, dad and mom behind? Because right now, even though I've been working on that for a couple of years now it doesn't seem to be getting any easier right now.

I was asked the other day, "how is it with your soul?" I almost started crying instantly. My soul hurts. It is still in so much pain. Even though it is filled with the Holy Spirit and surrounded by God's love, it is still crying. And it feels tired. There are days when I am physically awake and have tonnes of energy and yet I hit a point while I'm working when I get exhausted and I know it's because my soul is trying to recover from the past and trying to support me in the present. I know that my soul is not dead and my body is not dying. At times my body is just weak and i know that sometimes its because of not eating. Which never goes very long because I have so many friends who invite me to join them for coffee break & goodies, lunch, dinner, etc. Or I make myself eat to try and respond to a feeling, not hunger but sometimes if I'm stressed than I'll say to myself that I deserve a latte or a donut or ice cream. Even though I know that those aren't good things to eat. But at least it's something. I never feel hungry and then on days like today when my stomach is upset, I can't imagine ever wanting to eat.

i hate being sick

I had been feeling healthy for some time now, until this past weekend. Ever since I spent a couple of hours packing on Saturday I've been sick. Today I didn't leave the house. I slept most of the day and watched some tv. I'm completely stuffed up but I can't take a decongestant because of my medication. So all I've been able to take is asprin and anti-histamines. Earlier in the day I was freezing, so i went back to bed wearing yoga pants and a hoddie and slept for 2 hours with a thick duvet on top of me. And I almost fainted twice today, didn't but felt it coming on. I haven't been like that in a very long time. I hate being sick. And I made sure that I had plenty to drink and ate some food through out the day.

I was so tired from packing. I think it has worn me down to the point of being sick. It's so hard to go through all of my stuff and decide what to keep and what to get rid of. The memories are hard to have go through my mind every time I pick something up. I found a picture of mom and I that I had misplaced over a year ago. It was underneath a bunch of stuff on my bedroom floor. I have treasured that photo since I was little and yet I treated it like crap. The blue dress I wore to her service still hangs in my closet. I can't just give it away. And then there are so many things that I don't really need, like random decorative supplies that I had for camp. I don't need those now, so why did I hold onto them?

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to move. This is really hard. Dad isn't helping at all. He laughs at me and complains but doesn't actually help.

I have so much work to do this week, now is not a good time to be ill.