Pros & Cons

The countdown is on. The stupid fucking co-worker has 3 days left of her contract, hopefully I can get through these last days without hurting her.

Everything is so stressful right now with the church. They want me to sign a new contract when they don't even know what the job description is going to be, they are sadly mistaken if they think I'm going to do that. I'm not even sure if I want to work there. The past 2 weeks in particular this has been really draining and anything but life giving. Since I haven't been in control over this bullshit at the church, I've turned to controlling other things...again (food and scratching). I've mostly come to realise this bad behaviour the day following or in counselling, etc.

So here are the pros & cons that I can think of this morning:
Pros

1. I know the people at First so well they are church family to me
2. I can be there for the youth and families in the congregation
3. I live very close to First
4. It would be less of a change, which is easier for me to cope with
5. I can minsiter with them during this challenging time
6. It makes sense for me to stay and help evaluate the programs in youth and family ministry since I coordinate them

Cons

1. This will hurt me financially, with a decrease of 46% of pay and no cheques during the summer
2. I don't know what the job description will be
3. They have unrealistic expectations
4. I'm not sure if youth ministry will ever grow in that church
5. I'm not sure if youth associated with First are underserved and need the programs at the church
6. Members of First have made me feel like shit in the past 2 months
7. I don't think I can make a difference that they are looking for
8. If I work for another church, I would probably have to move

What they aren't saying

They don't want me.
They don't like me.
They don't think I'm the right one.
They hate me.
They don't think I can do anything right.
They don't appreciate me.
They would rather not have to face me.
They hate everything I've done.
They're mad at me.
They want to get rid of me.
They think I'm stupid.
They want me to leave.
They are just to nice to say so.

Or is this really how I feel about myself? Maybe I shouldn't be assuming all of this about them when it is most likely that I'm feeling this way about me. Fuck.

failure

I'm a failure. I honestly believe that there isn't anything that I can do well and everything that I have done has been shit. why the fuck did they even hire me in the first place at that church? I obviously haven't been able to do what they want me to do and don't think that I can do what they want done (not that they even know what that is). they've slapt me in the face. They reduced my hours from being half time to being one third time (20 down to 13 hours a week) and only 10 months of the year (sept to june). So at the end of my current contract I won't be working for 2 months at the church if I continue my position in sept.

At the same time what's the point of me trying to do anything? It's not like all of a sudden I'm going to be getting a bunch of youth out for programs regardless of how much time I put into planning a program and if it's what they've requested. I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can go on with this any more.

Why did God have me serve the church in this way? I wasted my time on serving God and God's church. And look where it got me, feeling totally depressed, hating myself, and a church that has wasted it's money. I can't do it anymore. I don't offer as many programs because the youth and children just don't show up for them. Half the time when I do offer a program the attendance is like 3 kids. And when Joan points out that a program isn't scheduled for this week well that's partly because she and the worship committee agreed with me to cancel it since we knew that there weren't any families who were able to come. I have put so much time and energy into some of these bloody programs that other people suggested and they thought would work, and yet nothing.

I'm so upset that my entire body hurts, my head, my stomach, my legs, everything. Over the past 4 hours I've cried on and off. Even though I knew this was coming, it just fuckin' sucks.

Not to mention that one of my staff from my other job thinks that she isn't getting "credit where credit is due". That I have been taking recognition for her work on the project. FUCK HER! I totally haven't done that. Piss me off. But somehow it seems to her that I haven't done my job properly there. Why do I bother?

And I get to go to church in the morning to teach sunday school and welcome 2 adults into the church after their baptisms. So ready to be fake with my plastic church face on.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would quit both of my jobs. However i know that I'm not in any position right now to make a decision like that.

My life is so fuckin' stupid.

Completely Shaken

8 I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Even though I've put the Lord always before me, I have been completely shaken by the Lord and the church.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,

My heart is upset, I don't feel like rejoicing or praising and my body is weak it's not resting,

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

How can I be sure that God will not abandon me? It feels like the Holy Spirit that I was baptized with has given up as well.

11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand

What's the point in following the path of life? Where is this joy?