Overwhelmed & Worried

I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything done in the next few days. Today and tomorow have the potential of being 12 hour work days, which although its not a rare thing, it is totally energy draining. And when I think about everything that I must get done, I get worried. I'm worried that I won't accomplish everything. Worried that I will do a sucky job. Worried that I will fail. I feel like I'm in really difficult positions where I have to make huge decisions that are affecting the lives of many people. And that's a lot of pressure for me. What if I make a fuckin' mistake? What if I give the wrong advice and just screw up completely? I just feel overwhelmed.

I don't understand Dad. He told me that he wants to spend Christmas with my brother and sister-in-law this year, well and that he wants to see Grandma on Christmas day. Practically every year my sister lived in Calgary he decided very early on that he would go there for the holidays. WTF? He hasn't told her this yet. I already told her that I'll come over there on Christmas day, I would much rather see her than my brother. And it's not like Dad would rather have all of us go to his place for Christmas, if he did why wouldn't he just say so! I have no idea if my sister would want to do that especially since my brother-in-law's parents have already invited them but without Dad suggesting it, it won't happen. I just don't get it.

I'm feel bad for Tammy (friend, not sister-in-law), she's having a rough time with her husband. She gave me shit for calling him stupid and now she suspects that he's cheating on her. So she called me to vent, she's totally hurt understandabley but she doesn't know for sure that he has cheated, he's just been texting with a womyn that she doesn't know and had a pretty loose story as to why. She feels like it makes her look bad because she didn't know this was going on and that it's her fault. I told her it's not her fault and I'm trying really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, that he has just done something stupid and nothing more, that he and this womyn are just coworkers like he said. But at the same time, who really knows? Shelly is convinced that he cheated on her. The thing is Tammy and Curt have had their problems in the past but got back together because of the kids (mostly because he impregnated her while they "were on a break"...news flash, don't have sex if you're on a break!). They've been in marriage counselling at various times over the years. All I can really do is pray for them.

All that bullshit and I also have work to deal with. My body feels like crap and is fat today. I'm scared of the lunch that they'll make me eat at the meeting tomorow. There is always so much food at those things and I feel like because I'm there for work I need to eat like everyone else. I don't want to get even more fatter than I already am. I'm scared about being in Mexico in 8 days where I have to wear a bathing suite often.

Why don't people just tell the truth?

Stop beating around the bush, don't always try to be nice to others by not saying exactly what you mean, but lay out on the table exactly what you think. I was in too many meetings this week where people were holding back on what they wanted to say. And they would generalize what they were talking about but not really say what they meant. It pissed me off. The first time was in a meeting with people from around the province involved in a project together. The person "coordinating" (really just has funding to introduce the project to new communities) was made because some people have adapted the project to much to fit his mandate. Fuck. It hasn't completely fit his mandate from the beginning, so there is no point in stiffling the outcomes. He went on about branding and how we need to be careful not to let this project title get connected with things that it's not really about. I clarified for everyone fter about 15 minuts of this bullshit..."what I'm sensing is that your company doesn't like loosing control over this project". He said yes, I was right.

And then...I was in another meeting where we were discussing lived values. How important it was that our staff live out the values of the agency. Everyone agreed that it's something that we all need to work on, that many people don't do that. One of the women sitting at the table (a supervisor) made a comment about how she wouldn't call a client on racism in her program. I said very straight forward that I would in particular if their children were around because they are modelling that behaviour for their children. That was exactly the kind of thing that I was telling the committee about, our staff say that they live out the values at work, but in actuality they don't. Let alone in the community.

I'm not saying that in my life I always say exactly what I mean. I try not to lie to people. And when I do on occasion lie its because I can't justify what I've done or am saying to myself. I screw up all the time and I hate admitting it. But I do think that in work, it is important to be straight forward, not to make others look bad but so that there can be competence in the process.

On top of all of that my grandma was moved into a hospital extended care nursing home on thursday. She can't stand up on her own. We never wanted to move her from her old residence because we thought a move would kill her (she's 103), so I guess we'll wait and see how long she lives. I am going to miss her so much. My aunts and uncle were out this week to help move her. They didn't want me to help move grandma and further more they didn't want to even see me. My aunt who is battling cancer doesn't want to see her neice. Not to mention that these relatives of mine don't give a shit that I finally escaped Dad's death trap of a house, which they wanted me out of 7 years ago but never assisted me in leaving. So why on earth would they want to pay me any attention, they never even replied to my email with my new address.

Beyond all of this, I know that I don't tell the truth about everything that goes on with me. But I also can't make sense of it all myself. I don't always no what the truth is about things around food in particular.

It's been 1 year

1 year ago I felt like I had even less control over my life than I already had. And things definitely got worse before they began to get better. At times things are still really rough and hard to deal with but I guess I have more hope that I'm not going to drown in the troubled waters. Some days I totally sink low (like last Sunday) but then the next day isn't usually as bad and the one after is usually fairly good.

I'm scared this weekend because of the memories of what it was like last year. But I've changed how things go now. Tonight I had dinner with the same friends but instead of seeing a movie we played Settlers and hung out at my condo in White Rock. And earlier today Dione and I got luxury pedicures for her birthday. For a while tonight I was totally nervous that the evening may have played out in the same way as last year -but it didn't. Maybe that wasn't a rational fear. My friends were there for me today like they were last year but in a slightly different way.

I am so grateful for everyone who reminded me often of the Light of Christ that is there even in the darkest hour when I can't see anything around me. Probably a few times a week I fall and can't see that for myself. But eventually it comes back to me.

What does scare me is that last year part withdrawing from everything included moving out of Dad's house. And now I've done that, so at times it feels like leaving everything. What if I get completely lost in the darkness again? I can't help but have that question in the back of my mind. My bad days are bad and it feels like there is nothing I can do about that. My body is so fat (especially after eating out twice today and drinking last night) and heavy, I can't believe that I'll be wearing a bathing suite in Mexico in 3 weeks. And then how am I going to manage eating while I'm down there? Oh man...I just thought of that now! Shit!

Most of my scars have healed. People don't even notice them any more, which is great.

I hope tomorow is a good day. Not a shitty one.

A Bad Day

Sunday was a bad day as far as depression goes. It started out fine but by mid morning I was sliding deeper into the darkness by the moment. I was feeling fat all weekend from the food and forcing myself to eat because of the conversation about how much each meal is per plate. And that I needed to be an example to the youth. Well…I don’t think I’m a good example. I took the pills infront of 3 people in the office and they didn’t even notice, I tried to hide them behind my bag as I popped them out, but still…no one saw. I think that maybe I wanted one of them to catch me, but it was really out of convenience that I had them in my bag there, I didn't want to have to go back to my cottage to get them later and didn't have time to take them before I had to meet with people. But I was feeling awful and I was totally irritated by everything. I told doris around 2:30pm that I needed to go and just rest in my cabin, adding that I don’t know If she and I had ever had a conversation about my dealing with depression. She said no, and that I could just go and do what I needed to do.

But then I had to sit with one of my youth because she wasn’t feeling well. So half an hour later I went to my room and pretty much cried myself to sleep. And got up 2 hours later just in time for dinner. When I resurfaced no one really checked in with me, it was just surface level if they did. Doris never spoke to me about it again.

Monday wasn't nearly as bad and today things were fine for me. sunday was litteraly a bad day in the midst of alright and good days. I know that lots of stuff lead to the bad day, I missed a memorial service for a man who taught me a lot about global concerns and social justice in this world starting when I was 15, I haven't had a full day off since Oct 21st, and I'm so consious of not letting this fall be like last year's fall.

My thoughts on the United Church of Canada Wondercafe.ca campaign

I don't completely agree with this United Church of Canada ad. Babies are not born racist, discriminatory, with bad priorities or anything that would require re-adjustments. In reality as a child grows up these are influenced by their peers, adults who are around them, tv, society and so on. I don't like the idea of assuming that a baby is going to need adjustments. I think it's the rest of the population on the planet who need to be adjusted (me included).

This ad I just find funny. I gave dashboard Jesus to several friends one year for Christmas. I don't see it as idol worship. And I don't think that it is sacreligious. nor is it a ticket to Hell. If anything I wonder why they chose to leave Jesus as a Caucasian figure. If he grew up in the middle east...wouldn't he have had a darker complexion? Just a thought. And many Christians have symbols which they keep around them to remind them of their faith (crosses, fish, squares, nativities, etc.)

If you're trying to interpret the bible litterally all the time, then ya it would totally be like marking some of the verses as disagree and others agree, especially if you were trying to compare them to each other. Even if you just think about the image of God and the image of Jesus...each have mulitiple descriptions. How can Jesus be an all people loving man when he yelled and got totally pissed off at the people exchanging money in the temples? And God who created everything in the world, destroyed everything with the flood (well all except for Noah and his family).

so is it a question of objection because they are a biracial couple or because they are both male in appearance? I think this a pretty cool ad. And ya not every United Church congregation will support same-sex marriage, but then again they don't all support the ordination of GLBT into ministry either (and that decision was made almost 2 decades ago). Plus there have already been congregations that have been unsupportive of gay & lesbian couples, so really it won't make much difference having it on a poster I think.

I'm not totally sure how I feel about this one. I can understand why some people would be offended by it. But I think it does raise the topic of sexual relationships and that isn't always discussed openly in church. People of all ages (including children) need to have open honest conversations. The whipped cream reminds me of the movie where the actress comes out of the kitchen wearing a whipped cream bikini (I think it was either Varsity Blues or American Pie). I think the topic of sex and sin is a good one for us all to think about. I think that sexual intercourse can be a sin, especially if it is not between people who actually love each other.

I think this ad is fantastic! It is showing what Christmas means from a Christian point of view. I realise that Christmas was originally celebrated at this time of year to correspond with a pagan festival. But Santa had nothing to do with that either. When I look closely at the picture, it seems as though the chair is floating in the air. And Jesus has a hallow around his head...can Santa make these things happen? I wonder can my church get a statue that looks like this and kids could sit on Jesus lap just like they do Ronald MacDonald's lap in the resturaunt? Hmmmm...I guess that could be a bit weird.