Saturday, December 30, 2006

Survived Christmas

Christmas wasn't that bad this year. I had a complete break down on Dec. 23rd as I was wrapping presents while watching the Family Stone movie. I saw that movie last december in the theatre and knew that it is sad because the mom is sick with cancer and dies from it before the second Christmas in the movie. I realised that night that I don't have anything of my mom's at my place. None of her Christmas decorations. None of her furniture. Nothing. I miss her so much! And I just wish that she was with me now.

I didn't feel like digging out any of her decorations that I wanted to have at my place. Partly because logically I know that putting them out will not bring her to me at Christmas. I don't know which feels worse; not having anything of hers with me or having a constant reminder that she is no longer around by having one of her old things with me.

I rode on the ferry without Blue (the stuffed platapus that Christine gave me to hold onto when I ride ferries) and it wasn't so bad. I didn't hurt myself, except I realised near the end of the ride that I had been pulling out my eyebrows with my fingernails. I think it helped that I spoke with my sister on the phone a couple of times. There weren't a lot of people on the ferry but I don't know if that makes much difference actually.

I actually had some fun with my neice on Christmas. I never thought that would be possible. There were a few moments where I was a little upset inside realising that things for her are going to be so much better than they were for me. Like Dad calls her names and my sister and I are both there to tell him not to. No one was there to stop that when we were kids. I was so mad when he called her a dimbulb and an idiot. She's only 19 months old! How dare he make fun of her and insult her because she does something he doesn't think is smart! Fuck him! They (her parents) give her so much attention which is awesome to see but I know that I didn't have it as good. And seeing my sister bathe my neice was heart-wretching, my dad used to force her to bathe me when I was 5. Bath time was a fight with everyone, me, dad, and ruth.

And I hate Dad commenting on what I eat! He told me that my doctor said I'm not supposed to eat butter tarts! WTF!? He is the one who isn't supposed to eat desserts. The worst thing was that my stomach was already hurting with sharp pains because I had eaten so much at dinner and was trying to fit in by eating a tart with Ruth. I can't stand the fact that I was eating as much as I was over the holidays with them and that I gained weight and look totally fat now. I've tried to lose it since then but I was feeling really sick tonight and almost fainted when I was shopping. I guess I hadn't eaten enough today.

I have felt so tired over the past 3 days. I haven't had the energy to work, so now I'm behind in my office stuff which makes me feel awful. But what can I do? Spending time with family is draining. Remembering mom is painful. I can only handle so much during the days around Christmas. And it is easier to focus what little energy I do have on spending time with friends and my sister.

Friday, December 22, 2006

What the Fuck?

It's fuckin' 5:45am and I'm awake. I've already had a cup of coffee, done a load of laundry, checked email, chatted with a friend in Ontario online, and I read People magazine for an hour before I got out of bed (started around 4am). I've been sick all week with a lung infection, which sucks but since I got to spend last week in Mexico (and no one that I know died when I was there) I'm not complaining too much. Although I did want to come home and work a lot this week...which hasn't happened because I've been so drained and ill.

I hate being sick though. This lung infection is way to common for me, basically once a year. I blame Dad completely for smoking as much as he did when I was growing up. Especially after my first brochaitis when I was in grade 3 and my doctor told me to stay away from anyone I knew who smoked. I told her that would be kind of hard because Dad was a smoker.

At least I should be better by Christmas eve when my antibiotics finish. Since I've been sick I haven't been able to keep much food in my body, this has made taking off the stupid fuckin' vacation weight off easier. All 6 pounds...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Real Vacation

Going to Mexico and staying at the Bahai Pricipe Tulum resort was the first real vacation I've been on since I don't remember when. Maybe in 2001 when I went to Newfoundland with a group of friends, but after the first few days of camping and roadtripping, we were at a church event that seemed like more work than retreat. And visiting family isn't much of a vacation either, at least in my opinion. So maybe the last vacation I went on was when I was a kid with my family in Victoria (like when I was 9).

Going on a church retreat is just that, a retreat focused around church community and my faith tradition. But vacation is still a retreat, maybe even more so because its not something I get to do on a regular basis. I loved that I didn't have to do anything. Some days I slept in through the morning. Other days I took 2-3 hour naps in the afternoon. Most of the time I just lazed around the beach or near the pool. The biggest decision was if I wanted to do stuff with the other people there for the wedding or just do my own thing. Well that and what drink I wanted to order.

My roomates were a little annoying at times, they are really good friends but they get on each others nerves often. By Thursday there were times when I couldn't bare being in the same room as them and their bickering. Clubbing in Cancun was awesome. Dancing on stages/platforms is something that I'm usually really self-consious about (and need to be very drunk to even consider), since for the 3 days leading up to that night all my roommates talked about was how skinny I was compared to them, I felt like I could dance with them on a platform and not feel totally ugly. That night involved a lot of dancing with random guys from the club crawl, but that's all it was -dancing. What happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun.

The weather for the wedding was hot and sunny. I felt faint when they were taking pictures so I went back to my room so I could cool off in the airconditioning and drink a lot of water. Probably should have eaten somethign but knew I was going to pig out at dinner. I avoided fainting. Nicki looked amazing in her dress, I felt privileged to be the one to help get dressed since I was ready to go and the other girlfriends were only part way through their 2 hour make-up rituals. The photographer took a picture of me helping her with her necklace, after her mom couldn't get the clasp to close. And Paul looked great in his outfit too. I was the only mutual friend that they had there. And really the only one of Paul's friends who was able to go to Mexico. Which was fun because he vented to me through out the week about the crazy wedding shit that goes on with people.

There were a couple of days where I was depressed. One where I needed to nap it off and eat a supplement. Another where I felt totally excluded when the other girls went to an attached hotel for lunch and didn't meet me at the room like they said they would and I couldn't find them. But in all fairness to them they thought I just needed a nap, since I had bailed on lunch a couple of days before when I layed down for a few minutes before lunch and slept all afternoon (it was rainy that day so what difference did it make?). I was more relaxed there than I am at home. That's how I can tell it was a vacation.

I hated gaining weight! All we did all week was drink and eat. Drinking alcohol which is filled with sugar and calories. So I knew once I was home I'd be able to take off the weight again because so much of that would be cut out again! thank God. I hated that I didn't look as good as Nicki, Karen or Joanna in a bathing suite, they are so pretty and thin...especially compared to me.

I'm glad that I wasn't sick when i was there. Although I was getting sick on Thursday night, I had a fever during my sleep and woke up cover in sweat even though it was cool in the room and I was cold. Since coming home I've had many nights like that, not in the past couple but that's because of the medication.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Current Fears (even if they seem stupid to you, they are very real to me)

here are some current fears I have about going to Mexico in 2 days
  • Dad will get sick or die
  • Grandma will die
  • The ocean will swallow me up and I will die
  • My friends that I'm travelling with will judge me (the way I look, what I eat, if I don't want to do some of the activities, etc)
  • I'll get fatter than I already am from eating too much
  • I'll get sick or die
  • One of my friends or family will die (even though they should have read that memo!)
  • My cat will die (Nancy better not let this happen! Even though I wouldn't blame her if it did, unless she murdered Duke but I don't think she has it in her to kill anything let alone my cat. I realise how stupid this fear is, but none the less it's a fear that I have. And since it's in my mind, it most likely won't make sense to anyone else.)
  • There will be problems at work and I won't be there to fix them
  • People from work will be mad that I'm away (not "I'm mad because I'm not in Mexico with her", but "I'm mad because she shouldn't have taken vacation at this time of the year")
  • The friends I'm travelling with will fight with me

I know that there are more fears swimming around in my mind but those are the ones that are at the top of the list at the moment. I leave for Seattle in 40.5 hours and in 54 hours I fly out of Seattle to Cancun, Mexico. I haven't started to do laundry or pack and I know that I'll be working at least 12 hours and I have so much running around to do, I have no idea how I will ever get it all done. Not to mention I have to write a mid-term report for my funder which I don't think we have met all of the criteria for. Shit. Especially the external evaluation which I just remembered and we haven't even established with the partnering agency. Fuck. Oh well not going to happen now. I'm such a screw-up. It doesn't help that my staff is an idiot either.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

fat

I went out for coffee with a bunch of people tonight. And with my mocha I ordered one of the large cupcakes, I only do this once in a while but I didn't think it was the best idea to have a mocha on an empty stomach when I hadnt been feeling well earlier in the day. I've had this cupcake before and have never been able to finish it. One of my friends commented on the fact that I didn't finish it and that whenever i order it I never finish it. After that I didn't finish my mocha. And when I stood up and saw myself in the mirror I realised how fat I looked, so obvious that I shouldn't have even had the half of the cupcake that I did eat or the mocha. I was already feeling like I had eaten to much after lunch when Joan commented that I did well finishing my grilled cheese and panfries. I try to watch what I eat so I don't eat too much, while others are trying to watch what I eat to make sure that I eat. And I guess I don't really care if they do watch, but sometimes after I hear the comments they play over and over again in my head and it seems like they're saying I ate too much. And that I'm getting fatter.

In worship tonight we talked about dreams, like the "I have a dream" speech by Dr. Martin Luther King. I was in a small group for discussion but all I could think of was how I have a dream that depression would go away for good. Not just for me but for everyone. And that I will be able to see myself as others do, even though I don't believe them and I think their lying about what I look like, I wish I could just snap my fingers and be better. On the other hand I have a dream that I will be thin and not get fat, and that dream is very prominant, and much more believable to me than the other one. It's a contradiction within me.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Stupid Fuckin' Disrespectful People!

I don't like to be disrespected. So when I'm litterally treated like an ignorant child who knows nothing and has not authority to give directions to people at my work, it pisses me off! I think that after working in a position for over 3 years I have some understanding of how I need my room set up for Sunday School, but no I don't have authority so go ask the fuckin' custodian! That happened after a long morning full of this massive event at the church. I was tired, and it seriously almost made me cry. I desserve better than that kind of treatment. And it wasn't even from Susan! (I prepare myself to be brought close to tears by her.)

And another woman kept saying "well you're a vocalist that's why you don't need to play the keyboard" and I said that it wasn't that, its that I haven't played in over a year...she just kept saying like it wasn' something that I should have any skill with. So I told her that I have my grade 9, I'm just out of practice so my sight reading isn't up to par. She didn't get it! And she was making me feel like shit, I'm not totally sure why I felt that way. Maybe because she didn't beleive me that I have piano training or maybe it was that when I played a few bars to start us off, she thought it wasn't good enough and assumed that I couldn't do it. I haven't played more than a few lines of music maybe twice in the past 1.5 years. And to think that this entire conversation would have been avoided if Reynhardt had shown up. Where the fuck was he?

It was a long fuckin' day and its not even over yet.